Hello everyone. Welcome to Parenthood for Me. This blog was created when my husband and I started our non profit corporation Parenthood for Me. Our mission is to provide financial and emotional support, along with education tools for those building families through adoption or medical intervention.y

My husband and I did ART unsuccessfully for 4 years. Deciding it was more important to be parents that get pregnant, we moved on to adoption in 2007. Our son came home from Korea in June 2008. We are beaming parents to an absolutely wonderful 2 year old.

Here is my latest Top 10 about my son Luv Bug:

1. He is now calling me “Mom” instead of Mommy; he sounds like a teen-ager yelling up the stairs at me
2. We have a rock star potty trainer on our hands. I bought Elmo underwear yesterday and he was so excited. (who are we kidding. I was was so excited to think diapers may be gone soon)
3. He can now count to 15
4. He is trying to say truck but it comes out like F*@k.
5. We have graduated to sneakers without velcro. This is a big deal for him.
6. At my mother’s house he gingerly carried in a $300 antique bowl from the dining room. Aagghh
7. He calls my husband AJ instead of Dada (Sometimes. It’s very funny)
8. He has complete conversations with me in babble. He cannot wait to talk in full sentences.
9. Our dog Lucy is his hero. He wants to be just like her. He spins around in circles before sitting down just like Lucy.
10. He made up his own song about Pizza- his favorite food.

Go to Weebles for more perfect moments.

I have to mention a few perfect moments that have already happened today.

1. We have a very large yard and since moving in last July have had plans to fence most of it in for our baby dog Lucy. She loves to run and is so beautiful to watch, but without a fence we could not let her go off into the yard alone. Brittany Spaniels are notorious for needing fenced in yards because they are hunting dogs. Today our fence got installed, and it is the best feeling to know that she can be outside running around and playing with Luv Bug while he is in the sandbox or I am asleep on the hammock. I cannot wait for summer!

2. A few months ago I was contacted by a woman who wanted to make a large donation to PFM in honor of her friend who is going through IF. She and another woman decided to do odd jobs to pay for the donation. I found out this morning that their total donation is around $900. I am absolutely floored by this staggering amount and all the hard work they have put in. They painted a room for someone, did a can and bottle drive and other jobs to come up with this large amount of money. This is by far the largest donation we have received. What amazes me is this comes from two people who don’t know me at all but want to help their friend who is going through a very tough time. This is an example of the many wonderful things that have come my way since starting PFM. In some ways my faith in humanity has been restored by the random acts of kindness and beautiful people I have been touched by.

3. Potty training is going full force. It is the cutest thing when I ask Luv Bug if he has to go potty and he says, uh-no (which means yes) and we hurry up the stairs for him to go on his little potty. He has gone 9 times now and he is barely two. We are so proud of him and he is so excited about it. I never thought potty training would be so exhilerating. He is growing up so fast.

When AJ and I decided to adopt it was February of 2007. I found out that we could still make it into the March homestudy class. I was ready. I didn’t want to wait until the June class. No more waiting. We had made a decision, and I wanted to get things rolling. My husband doesn’t move as fast so I knew it would take a little effort to have him on board to take the class right away. The next day we found out that the young couple that lived across the street from us, who happen to be friends with our cousin, were adopting a baby girl from Guatemala. I was thrilled. All the time we had been suffering through infertility they were right across the street and could empathize with our situation. I had a renewed sense of hope and excitement. We decided to do the March class.

On St. Patty’s we saw the couple at a party. I was fascinated and wanted to ask a million questions about their adoption, how they chose an agency and country, how long it had taken, what they were feeling. They had just gotten back from Guatemala for a visit with their daughter, and they were then waiting for her arrival home. I was envious. They were so close to getting their daughter, and we had a very long way to go and many important decisions to make before we would have our child.

When I saw balloons outside their house signaling their daughter had arrived home, I wondered what it must feel like to have her in their home. How was she adjusting? How were they adjusting? What would it be like for us?

It was about ten months later that our son came home. It had been a long wait since making the decision to adopt. I know that other people wait for years, and I cannot comprehend waiting that long to adopt especially after infertility. Our total wait time was 16 months. When Luv Bug came home we were beaming parents and getting ready to move to a new house. As it turns out so were the couple. Within months of each other we had both moved out of the neighborhood.

Last night we went to our cousin’s 30th bday and there they were- pregnant-very, very pregnant. My jaw dropped and my heart sank. Tears stung my eyes, and I hated feeling that way. I hadn’t felt that way in a long time. But, they were the couple that I thought were going to be the same as us, adoptive parents. I knew they had plans of adopting again and so do we. I was crushed that they had a miracle baby.

After the shock wore off I really wanted to congratulate them, especially the woman. We ended up talking about our kids and her pregnancy and how it felt to learn of the pregnancy. It really is an amazing story because their chances of conceiving were like 2% (as told to me by the woman). She mentioned that she stopped thinking about pregnancy when her daughter arrived. They never did infertility treatments due to her diagnosis, and when they were settled in as a family, pregnancy wasn’t an issue. She simply wasn’t thinking about it, and pregnancy happened.

She looked so beautiful and again I felt envious. Now she will have it all. And, they deserve it. And, I am truly happy that they get their chance to build their family. I just couldn’t help but think of myself. Last night when I tried to fall asleep I just could not believe that they were pregnant and how amazing it is that things have worked out for them. They have a beautiful daughter through adoption and they will be having a boy very soon.

Then the thought occurred to me that I once looked to this woman who I hardly know at all for inspiration. I was in awe of her excitement to adopt and was given new hope upon finding out their circumstances. She has now given me new hope that pregnancy will come my way at some point. Problem is that I still think about pregnancy all the time. We are not doing anything about it, but I am always thinking and hoping to get pregnant someday even if we adopt again. I don’t know what our actual odds are of becoming pregnant on our own. It is probably higher than 2% but maybe not. We have a lot of problems! We are very broken, the both of us.

I have to practice what I preach even though it is hard for me today. I stopped questioning my parenthood path when we found out who our son was going to be. I wouldn’t change our IF experience because we have him. It is out of my control, and I will continue to wonder if one day my desire and hope for pregnancy will come true.

The idea for Parenthood for Me was “conceived” in October of 2008. We became an official not for profit corporation in January, 2009. In November I started handing out business cards saying I was starting a non profit. I had no idea where to begin; I just knew that I needed to do this. My husband and I wanted to do something to make a difference. So many wonderful things have happened in the past six months. Becoming a part of the ALI community has opened up my world and the people that read this blog have played such an intricate part in the rapid growth of Parenthood for Me. We are slowly working our way towards being able to offer grant money to people in need. The first grants will be awarded in spring of 2010. It is frustrating that we cannot help people out financially sooner, but a grassroots charity takes time to build up. In the meantime I hope that people have found comfort and solace in reading our story and finding resources to deal with the hardship of infertility. I hope that our story of adoption touches people in the way we were touched when we found adoptive parents.

Today is a big day for Parenthood for Me and for myself personally. I have put my heart and soul into this non profit and my blogging and it seems to be paying off.
I received my copy of this month’s Adoptive Families Magazine and Parenthood for Me is listed in one of their articles for helping with the cost of adoption or ART. We made it into a national publication, and I am so happy to have the exposure. Hopefully we will see an increase in our supporters and potential donors. And, hopefully we will find families that we can help.

Stop by Show and Tell at Mel’s

What is The “Quotable Quotidian”

Going through infertility and being scared to death I would never be a mommy, there were so many things I longed to have in my life that went along with parenthood. I wanted all the widgets and gadgets and homemade blankets and cute little socks. It is amazing how much you notice when it comes to something you cannot have. Here’s a simple example. My brother had this trike for my niece- the kind with the handle in the back for the parent to steer. He used this as his means of transportation instead of a stroller. He took her out on strolls at the age of one because he found a strap for it so she wouldn’t fall off. My parents live 5 doors down from my brother, and every time I turned into my parent’s driveway and saw the tricycle parked outside their door I felt a pang of sorrow. It always hurt to see the little bike, especially when she was riding on it. I could not help but ask will I ever get to use a stroller or wagon or trike? Will I ever walk over here with my child?

One day a few years back I was watching my niece, and we were playing in her bedroom. I just could not stop staring at all the cute girly things in her room and how her mommy had decorated it so beautifully. I had been in her room a hundred times, but this time I had a few minutes to sit on her warm fluffy rug and be alone with her. The nursery exuded love and everything childlike- the shelves with the finger puppets and books, the piggy bank, the mobile. I hoped upon hope that I could decorate a room with such love, that one room in my house would be totally and completely for a child to grow up in. That same day I was talking to my niece in her room and reading a book, and I began to cry. I remember holding her tight and crying silent tears into her little neck. Oh, how I loved her.

Turns out the baby monitor was on outside where my brother was playing football with our cousins. One of them came upstairs to usher us outside; I think he was trying to save me from more exposure. They all knew my circumstances. It was weird, but I didn’t feel embarrassed that they may have heard me talking and crying with my niece. On the contrary I felt a little relief that I could reveal some of my pain without having to look them in the eye.

I used to buy a ton of clothes for my niece. It gave me hope for some reason. When I saw her wearing something I bought, I felt a greater connection to her. But walking into any store dedicated to babies and toddlers was like knocking the wind out of me; somehow I kept going back for more. As more time passed without a successful pregnancy I stayed away from all places baby, and either went in on a gift with friends or asked my mom to buy something for me. The grief became too much as the years went by and my cloud of sadness never had the ability to lift.

I have wondered since becoming a mom if I notice more things about my life as a parent than those who have not experienced infertility. Do I have a different outlook and heightened sense of awareness of every detail than those who had no trouble conceiving? It is a question that needs no definitive answer. However, it is common perception that those who have suffered do not take things for granted because they have a better understanding of how fragile life is. A cancer survivor probably looks at the beauty of life with more fortitude and grace than I do, and I consider myself very conscientious of living every day to the fullest, expressing my love for friends and family, and understanding that life is precious. However, I do not presume to have any idea what it feels like to face death, to be scared I will not see my children grow up or live to be old and gray with my husband.

What I do know is that I am always aware of the little things that come with parenting. I still smile when I see the bathtub toys strewn across the bottom of the tub. While grocery shopping I happily throw a box of $40 diapers in my shopping cart because I remember walking down that baby aisle with an empty heart just wishing I had a reason to buy a sippy cup or jar of baby food. When I see his 3 pair of shoes in a little pile near the door I heave a sigh of contentment. There are little feet in our house to fit those shoes. Thank goodness.

In celebration of our son’s arrival home from Korea we had a huge party, and we received one of those trikes as a gift. I had to register for it. Seeing my son in the seat smiling and ringing the little bell was my right of passage. A couple of weeks ago Min Man and I trekked down to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and I loved watching the tricycle’s brand new wheels get covered in dirt as we rolled down the sidewalk. Once again the pain of infertility slipped a little further from my heart.

Getting to this point in my life has very trying and difficult. Wishing to be parents for four years has left a dent on my soul. There were many, many low moments with each negative pregnancy test and failed medical procedure. Letting go the dream of getting pregnant and having a biological child came with a lot of soul searching. But I am so grateful we were able to move on to adoption and fulfill our parenthood dreams.

Tomorrow when my son wakes up talking to all his Sesame Street animals and gives me a huge grin with his perfect white teeth, I won’t remember my ectopic pregnancy or 6 failed IUI’s or 3 failed IVF cycles . I will look to the new day as his mommy. I will pick out another cute outfit for him, we will brush our teeth together, eat toast together and laugh and giggle together. We will learn together about loving and being a family.

Go to Mel’s for the rest of Show and Tell

In case you didn’t know I’m friends with Santa Claus. Yup, he lives about a quarter mile from my house. My brother gets to live right next door to him! Lucky son of a gun! Hell he is living in my grandma’s former house. Where’s Mrs. Claus you ask? She’s there too but as Santa said, “Don’t expect to see her donning some cutesy outfit. And, please don’t call her Mrs. Claus.” Santa Claus was a real estate client of ours. Do you have any idea the kind of expectations one feels they have to live up to when catering to a guy like Santa Claus?

Anyway, it turns out that Santa Claus has a granddaughter adopted from Korea. Santa Claus and the Mrs. are aware of the pain of infertility because they watched their son and daughter-in-law struggle to have a family for many years. Ah, kindred spirits found in Santa and the Mrs. Who knew? What a small world indeed. Infertility and adoption all the way up in the North Pole?

Here is his card. Just ask him for one, and he will give it to you; they are always in his pocket. Sometimes he will hand you his card with out solicitation- sending you a message you might want to listen to.

There he is, my friend. He and his wife love my son and are always asking after him. We stop over every once in awhile as he is on our wagon tour. And, being next door to my brother and a few houses down from my parents, we inevitably bump into one another. The other thing I love about being friends with Santa Claus is that he supports our non profit and thinks it is a great idea. He offered himself up as a raffle prize the other day. He told me to stop by because he wanted to talk. It was so touching because he came up with the idea at 3 in the morning. He has retired from his Santa commitments but is willing to pull out the old white and red suit (the beard is real) to allow some lucky children to sit on his lap and feel the magic. Young and old alike will be captivated by all that Santa Claus emulates- wonderment, innocence, happiness, and comfort.

Thank you, J & P for all of your support. You really know how to make a girl (and a little boy) happy.

Everywhere I went, he went. If I left the living room to get a bowl of cereal and he happened to be hanging out on the back of the couch, he flew after me and landed on my shoulder. We used to eat breakfast together before school. I would put him on the table and give him some cheerios while I ate my cereal. Cockatiels are in the parrot family and tend to be smarter than the average canary. But, I like to think that Chuck was special. He used to do tricks and play little games; I took care of him for 22 years. He was a great companion. The day he died I was heartbroken. I lost my best friend, my childhood pet. I was married and in my second house by the time Chuck passed away. He had been a part of my life for so long. It was amazing.

AJ loves his first dog, Punkin. He talks about her all the time and how she played mommy protector around him. She used to sleep under his crib. She was a great dog, and he misses her to this day even though she has been gone 20+ years.

Here she is as a pup on her first Christmas.

The day we brought her home AJ and I became a family. We potty trained her, taught her to walk on a leash, doted on her, brought her on vacations and taught her how to be a good citizen. We couldn’t wait to bring a baby home so Lucy could be a mommy. As the years went on and there was no human baby, Lucy became more of our baby than ever. She got us through some very rough times due to her natural charm and amusing characteristics. Plus she is the softest dog I have ever met. She makes a great crying companion.

I believe in the healing power of animals. Humans need animals to teach them love and compassion. You can learn a lot by loving an animal. Some people will never “get” that. But, they are missing out. Lucy continues to be a great source of love and companionship for all of us. She is now Min man’s sister. It is wonderful to see them together. Finally Lucy has a sibling. And, she acts like most older sisters would. She thinks he’s in the way half the time and wants all the attention focused on her. They also fight over food.

I remembered something I witnessed last Fall that is still utterly amazing to me. It showed me just how much animals do feel despite what many people say. As I was driving down a side street I saw a squirrel squirming near the side of the road. I wanted to stop and help move it off the road so it could die in peace; I didn’t want it getting run over again. I circled back around to try and help the squirrel. I saw that another squirrel was standing at the opposite side of the road a little skittish as my car inched forward. I kept going and pulled over and watched the squirrel who was now behind me. He went over to his suffering friend and tried to pick him up off the road and move him to a safe spot. I watched his several attempts at doing so. After cars stopped passing by he successfully carried his friend to safety under a huge oak tree. I was fascinated. People may have thought I was nuts, but I could not stop watching this squirrel try and save his friends life. He licked the wounds and hovered around trying to protect him as he clearly was having a hard time breathing. Eventually the injured squirrel died and his friend picked him up in his mouth and carried him up into the tree- safe at last. It was one of the most touching things I had ever witnessed. That may sound silly but it was. I guess it’s because you don’t expect much from a squirrel. We don’t expect a lot of from many animals, but they have a great capacity to love.

I never pegged myself as a big animal advocate. I believe in treating animals humanely and that people need animals, not the other way around. Maybe they benefit from our companionship, but it is us humans that live fuller lives when we co-exist with animals. Whether it is bird watching, having a fish pond in the back yard, visiting the zoo or rescuing a cat or dog. Their presence gives human life more meaning and teaches us that we cannot exist without them.

We will all succumb to the circle of life in due time.