1)
I brought my cart out to the parking lot and was unloading it and on the phone at the same time. The cart return was REALLY far away and I was in a hurry (and feeling lazy). I did the horrible deed of leaving the cart in a parking space. Well, it really bit me in the arse because as I sat in my car finishing my phone call, I looked over and saw my cart hit a gust of wind. It was heading straight for a car three spots over. The driver was in the car, saw the cart beelining towards her car, grimaced at me, probably shouting curse words. We both dashed out of our cars running towards the cart but SMASH into the side of her car it went.

All I could do was ask if there was damage. Thankfully not. And, mutter an apology. And, yes this was witnessed by other people. I bet you they were saying to themselves, I better always put my cart away. Yikes.

2)
I was out bra shopping with Luv Bug, which was long overdo. I hate spending money on bras but it was necessary as I have been looking a little saggy lately. As we were looking around Luv Bug would point at certain bras and say,”Mommy’s” He did this three times but goshdarnit he’s smart because they did look like my bras.

3)
Buying greeting cards.
I had a free card coupon, but I got sucked in to buying extra cards because they were funny. I should scan one of them to show you. It is a picture of someones bare behind up against a window and it says, “Birthdays are an ass in the pane.”
Get it. I LOL’d in the store. That’s when I know it’s a good card. Now I just have to decide who will be the lucky recipient.

4)
I entered a short film into the In the Know Short Film Contest. Here’s the description. It falls under my idea of our Essay/Blog entry contest.

“Anyone who has struggled with infertility knows the emotional and physical burden of trying to conceive. Despite the fact that 1 in 8 couples experience infertility, many people feel isolated and alone in their journey. The In The Know Short Film Competition encourages those 7.3 million Americans affected by infertility to share their stories and provide hope and encouragement to others.”
Sponsored by Fertility LifeLines and RESOLVE.

Here are the prizes:
1st place- $1000
2 runner ups- $500
Finalists will have their film shown at a film festival in NYC. That is exciting and would be great for PFM.

Wish me luck!

5)

What is the plural of cul-de-sac?

Do you know? Don’t cheat.

6)

Finally. I love thinking about possible names for my children. I have always loved picking names. I used to write short stories all the time as a kid and one of my biggest problems was finding the best name for the characters. If we adopt again, we would like a girl.

Here are some of my ideas. They are different so don’t laugh. But which do you like best?

• Hollis Rae (Rae is my MIL’s middle name)
• Francesca- for my love of all things Italian
• Gretta Rae – for our German Heritage
• Anabelle
• Rae as a first name- still thinking of a good middle name. ( could be her given Korean name)
• Gertie Rae (yes her name would be Gertrude after a great grandmother. But remember Gertie in ET?)

I have more but Luv Bug is paging me “Mooooooom”. Happy Friday. Buon weekend. Hope your weather isn’t crappy like it is here.

I know that most people who read my blog know all about Luv Bug. I have never used the disclaimer that a post will be about him– “don’t continue if you cannot read about children right now.”

Maybe I should. Sometimes I feel like because I adopted and did not conceive a child that my blog is different. People still waiting to be parents may not want to hear about Luv Bug moments.

I feel stuck in the middle of infertility. I am a success story in many aspects because I am now a parent, but then again I never made it out of the IF clinic. My GYN is my RE so we talk a lot about my body and what may be going on. After reading about many of my fellow bloggers having successful procedures (well wishes to you all) I have seriously thought about scraping up the money to go back to the roller coaster. I asked Dr. R if we should ever think about doing IVF again. If $10K fell out of the sky, are we good candidates? The answer was yes. We only did one IVF cycle with her. It was a simple negative and because we have MFI there were no embryos left over. She was our new doctor, and we had run out of money and spirit to continue with ART. I told DH what Dr. R said. We easily decided that we will not do IVF again. Our perspective of ART has changed since adopting. It is not worth the money, simply put. $10,000 for maybe 3 good embryos if we are lucky. Then we have the obstacle of my antibodies and endo. And, we may never know the quality of my eggs. Too many potential problems. Too much false hope poured into one pot. Too much money after all we already spent to have our child.

I mentioned in a previous post that I seem to be ovulating which can happen later in life when one has PCOS. My period came on day 29 last month. That was a first for me. Usually it is day 35. I was feeling pretty good this month thinking that we may be able to predict ovulation. If anything I hoped to get AF on day 28-30 again to feel better about my body. Alas it is not to be. I am at day 33. Of coarse my mind is wandering into la-la prego land about the possibility even though I got a BFN on a HPT. I know the bitch will show up in two days. She kicks me when I’m down. However, I do hope she comes as expected because if AF doesn’t come, then I did not ovulate and that is even worse.

It is so hard being stuck in the middle. No ART but no diminished hope of conceiving naturally. I know it is not a crazy concept, but it hurts thinking that all of this effort and hope will still leave me barren at 40. I’ve been told by many that by that time (or even earlier) I won’t care anymore. By that time I will be going on birth control. I will have come to terms with my infertility. I know this in my heart, but for now my mind will not waiver from the consistent thoughts of having it all, Luv Bug and a pregnancy.

That’s what this has become for me. I want it all. I am so selfish that I want my baby and to give birth too. I want my chance to be the glowing pregnant woman with DH and Luv Bug by my side. I want to buy NB clothes and have ultrasound pictures to email out to the world. I want the BFP so I can hold onto the secret with DH until I am bursting and we have to tell everyone. Yes, I want it all.

Luv Bug makes me laugh and smile a thousand times a day. I wish you could see his face or see a video of him because he truly is an amazing child. And, he is all ours. When he first came home and we were trying to acclimate him to the time zone, I would lay on blankets with him on the floor in his room at night. The fan would oscillate while he sucked on his bottle. He always reached for my hand as I lay there. Talk about a heart melting. The affection he offered to us, virtually complete strangers, was breathe taking. Motherhood was mine and it was so natural for me and him.

Last night Luv Bug was still awake in his crib after almost two hours. He wasn’t crying but was talking every so often or saying his ABC’s. I finally went in there and asked him if he wanted me to lay in his crib with him. He said,”Okay.” I crawled (climbed really) in and lay next to him and after a couple of minutes he grabbed my hand. I reached for his other hand, and we lay there holding hands in the dark listening to each other breath.

Here is my disclaimer: I actually don’t want it all. I don’t need to drive a M.ercedes or get out of hte middle class or have bi-coastal homes. I just want what is a fundamental need esp. as a woman, to enjoy and experience pregnancy.

Random Funny:

A friend of mine who happens to be 8 did something that really cracked me up. I have been laughing about it for weeks. There are buddies in his neighborhood that have a pool. My friend does not have a pool. So, when it is a hot summer day he has been known to say things to them like,”I’m soooooo hot. Are you hot? Man, it’s hot today.” Hint, hint, hint. I think it’s hilarious. I remember doing that as a kid trying to get an invite to the pool.

I decided to pull this move on my friend who has a boat and an inground pool. Just for kicks I called her and said, “Man, am I hot sittin’ here in my house. Are you sweating like a pig too? I wish I knew someone who has a boat and a pool!” Hah!

Random: My dog, Lucy

She can run 30 mph. Yes, you read that correctly. Not 3 but 3-0. She got away last Saturday night while we were having a relaxing evening around the fire. DH found her running down our busy street. He was behind her in the car going 30 and she was 10 yards ahead of him. Thankfully our baby came home safely that night.

Random: How I try to live green

1. Save big Zip.loc bags if there wasn’t icky items in them.

2. Recycle all garbage we can

3. Use the hip bags to bring with you to the store so you don’t use plastic bags.

4. Donate items

5. Keep the heat down and turn off lights.

Random: Tid bits about clothing and accessories:

I have had these socks from Gap since 1992. There is no wear on the bottom and NO holes. WOW!

I hardly ever pay full price for clothing. I go to Mar.shall’s to get “brand names for less.” I shop at Old.Navy for certain items like tanks and PJ’s. My husband is of the mind set that if it costs more, it is of better quality. I only slightly agree. OldN, Gap and Banana are all part of the same company. Yet there are 3 different price points.
I have gotten way more compliments on this shirt that I bought at Tar.get for $12.00

than I have for this shirt that I got from AnnT for $50.00

Random: Ways I try to be frugal

1. Borrow books from the library

2. Buy generic brand groceries

3. Re-use gift bags ( I don’t think I have bought a gift bag in years)

4. Do my own pedicures

5. Cut back on buying coffees. However, the coffee we buy for home ain’t cheap. DH will not drink Sanka if ya know what I mean.

Ways how I totally negate all my frugal attempts. I’m good at trying to save but then completely contradict myself.

1. Go to Estate sales and buy sh*t I do not need

2. Go to Tar.get and buy sh*t I do not need

3. Eat out too often

4. Buy a new car when I only have one year to pay off my current vehicle

5. Buy things on sale to use for “gifts.” I would say half the time they actually end up in someone else’s house

To add to this train of thought I need to talk about my wedding- 9.12.03. Let me point out that I did not pay for the majority of my wedding. I tried to keep costs down because I felt there were traditional things that I did not want to do or spend money on. I did many things on my own including the programs, place cards, the favors. We did not have a traditional wedding cake. Neither one of us wanted to spend hundreds of dollar on a cake when so many people do not even eat it. I came up with this idea for my center pieces. Killed two birds and the idea has been used for at least 3 other weddings that I know of (patting myself on the back).

The cake served 8 people. We had a very small cake to “cut.” And, everyone ate wedding cake. Our local chain of Grocery Stores (Wegmans.com) which are way better than any other grocery stores you have ever been to made the cakes (Cher was here a couple years back and said she wanted them to open a chain in CA). I think there were 26 cakes total and the cost was $220. I made the little stand with the ribbons and the flowers were provided by a florist. The tables were beautiful.

Now, I should mention that my dress was over $2,000. I did not shop around. I only tried on 3 dresses. When you know, you just know.
My shoes were $200. That was not my fault, though. I wanted to wear open toed shoes from a regular store, but my mother and the woman at the bridal shop insisted it was tacky. However, my purse was only $9.99.

See. I try. That’s what I tell DH anyway.

I recently read a novel where one of the main characters stated that if he had to do it all over again, he would do everything exactly the same.

I wonder how many people feel that way. I’m not just talking about older people, those past 50 or over 80. What about thirty somethings or forty somethings?

We learn so much in our teen years and twenties. So many important decisions are made that shape our future, for the good and bad. I believe that all of the decisions we make are important. Everything we do can impact our own life and the life of others whether we know them or they are strangers.

When I became 30 or maybe even at 29, an evolution took place within myself. I was no longer young but felt not quite old enough to be old. There’s a great Barena.ked.ladies song,”Alternative Girlfriend” about this in-between- “Old at being young, young at being old.” At that point in time I began to see the impact the decisions that I had made in the previous decade and how they formulated my position in life. It’s funny how one’s mind can open up to realizations that should have been apparent all along. I guess we choose subconsciously to notice things when we are ready. All of a sudden my house, job, car, marriage, pending motherhood, Coa.ch purse, and credit card debt became the life of an adult- my life. Keep in mind that I owned my first house at 24. I have been married since I was 25. I owned a car at 22. Moved out at 22. When I was in my early to mid twenties I was making strides towards becoming fully independent. However, my life’s limited experiences coupled with insecurities and discovering my full potential made “adulthood” a title I was not quite ready for.

Infertility and battling depression made me grow up faster as I became privy to the immense disappointment and rough times that are simply a part of living. These experiences also made me vulnerable and in need of much emotional support. I trudged through the mud but fell off track many times and needed to be picked up. There are times when life becomes too much to bear, especially with the enormous amount of responsibility we must all take care of on a daily basis: pay bills, clean the house, go to work, return library books, keep our commitments.

The line in the novel about looking back on life made me think about any regrets I may have.
There are different kinds of regrets regarding decisions made in life. There are those decisions that you consciously make knowing there is a clear right and wrong decision. There are gray areas, and there are decisions we make with the best of intentions using the knowledge we have at that time. The decisions I am talking about include my choice of where to attend college, my major, my decision to move back home instead of NYC or DC, my first job, our infertility journey. With hindsight there are so many things I would do differently. Then again what I think now would have been a better decision would create a completely different life.
Every decision causes an entire new set of decisions to be made.

As of yet I can also state that I would not change anything. I have come to terms with disappointing and difficult times in my past because they ultimately brought me to this life and this person. I will continue to live my thinking about the impact of everything I do. One thing I do know will cause me angst as I get older is not talking more to my grandparents about growing up in the twenties and thirties. They have seen so much history. Both of my grandfathers have passed and my dad’s mother has dementia that is worsening by the day. My Nana is still doing great (she turns 89 tomorrow), and we talk about many things. I want to learn and understand as much as I can before she is gone; but I know I will always want more. There is never enough time.

This is another realization of growing older. There is never enough time.

My best friend lost her mother a few months ago. She spoke to me of the last few days and “spending time.” There were 10 hours together at one point, her mom sitting with her two kids and talking, visiting every day in the hospital fitting in moments- last moments. She said that it didn’t matter how much time there was at the end. She still wanted more. She will always want more time.

What an impact her words had on me.

Regrets cannot change the past nor can they change the future. Learn from mistakes, forgive yourself, and live the best life you can live. It’s the only one you get.

I always knew my Brittany Spaniel, Lucy was just like a toddler. She is pictured at the left. She has this playful and very humorous side to her that always felt more human-like than canine. Since Luv Bug has come home I have better been able to correlate her behavior with that of a toddler. Lucy has this thing with going in the garbage can. She likes to shred tissues or lick wrappers. She will sniff out discarded gum like a professional and chew on it. I found her one day with gum all over her front paws; she was trying to get it out of her gums and teeth.

The other day Luv Bug was in my vanity and opened a lipstick. He proceeded to put it on his lips and all over his face. Luckily it did not make it to my walls or floors. Because the lipstick was ruined and I have never worn it, I threw it away. I admit the thought crossed my mind that either Luv Bug or Lucy was find it in the trash can and proceed to do some more damage. But, I forgot about it and moved on.

Today I heard Lucy chewing on something in the other room. It registered that I better get up and find out what she was doing and fast. There she was in my office chomping on the lipstick I had thrown away. She had bright pink lipstick all over her paws, nails, and forearms. It was also stuck in her teeth. I absolutely cannot be mad at her when she does things like this. She is such a good dog that when I catch her in the middle of something stupid like this, I just laugh. I cannot even really scold her. My attempts are always half hearted.

The point of my story is that today my puppy proved to me once again that she has been our child every since we got her in 2002. It is so hysterical to see that she and Luv Bug do many of the same naughty things. She sniffs in my bag for things and found gum one time. I found her chomping on it wrapper and all. Luv Bug also went in the same bag and had his first experience trying to chew gum. The two of them are a handful. And, I love every minute of it.

Go to Weebles Wobblog for more Perfect Moments

I am continually reminded that life is what you make of it. Things cannot always be planned, and what comes out of the twists and turns is often more rewarding. Trying to get pregnant and become a mother went from what seemed like a fairly simple plan to the most challenging situation of my life. So much was lost and yet when we let go of some of our dreams, so much was gained.

I know adoption is not for everyone. I completely understand the vital need to produce a child, to give birth, to see your genetics play out. When we had reached our limit of pain and disappointment, we turned to adoption because we knew it would make us parents. The decision and the entire process until we found our way was unequivocally scary and even sad. It was hard having to take a class to be qualified as parents under the eyes of New York State Law. It was hard to admit to people that we did not expect a pregnancy to ever happen. Uttering those words made me feel like my head was underwater. The sound was muffled and would bounce back at me making my ears ring– no expectations of a pregnancy…

But, then life turned around for us. I began to embrace my path to mommyhood. No, my son was not growing in my belly, no he would not look like my husband and I, but he was meant to be ours. Somehow our worlds collided. Something magical happened to bring this amazing little boy into our lives. What a priviledge to call him son and watch him grow to be a man.

One of the things that was hardest to face was never knowing what our biological child would look like. My niece looks a lot like me. She saw a picture of me once when I was 5 and said it was her. To have our genetics linked together was thrilling and sad for me all at the same time. You would think it would have dawned on me much earlier in the game, but all of a sudden the image I had created of my future children popped in the forefront of my brain and knocked me on my ass. The image contained features of myself and my husband that I liked the best. I always wished for a my little one to have my curly hair (AJ has wavy hair as well). We always joked that our children would be very small because I am 5’3 and he is (not quite) 5’6. We are short people. Things about us that we naturally assumed would be passed on in our offspring proved to be a very difficult hurtle to overcome. We had to adjust to a new image of our family. Not better or worse, just different.

Well, again a little magic has come into my life. When Luv Bug came home he had hardly any hair. Over the past year it started coming in, and when he was about 18 months, I noticed it had a wave to it. Now he has full blown curly hair. It is beautiful. Everyone remarks on his cute curls. Part of it is because I don’t think many Koreans have curly hair. Most Asians I have seen or known have thick, straight hair. I do not know where Luv Bug’s curls come from but his hair is a constant reminder to me that we never fully understand where life is taking us. The reasons for events reveal themselves slowly over time.

I remind myself to be patient and grateful whenever I am upset about something in my life. I just look at Luv Bug and smile on the inside and out.

My show and tell is about a jewelry set that I obtained over the years.

My mother bought me this necklace as a wedding present. I wore it on my wedding day.

The picture does not do it justice and proves to me once again that my camera stinks. It is white gold and the heart has diamond chips to make it sparkly. I like simple and elegant things so this was a perfect necklace for me.

A year later I saw a ring in the Tiffany’s magazine that had the same heart on it. I would joke with AJ about about buying it for a present. Every six months or so the Tiffany’s magazine would come in the mail and there it was all shiny and beautiful. I told my mom about the ring and thought maybe she would buy it to complete the set.

A couple of years go by and we are down in Key West on vacation with our parents. We walked past a jewelry store and there it was in the window! A Tiffany’s display with my heart ring. I had to go inside and try it on. The ring was pulled out from the cabinet and I slipped it on my right hand. The picture in the magazine made it seem so much bigger. I told my mother and AJ that it wasn’t as big as I thought and I didn’t want the ring anymore. Phew! Saved a lot of money there.

As we were getting ready to go out to dinner that night AJ pulled something out of his drawer and set it on the bed. It was a blue Tiffany’s box and I said,”Oh, you didn’t.”

I opened the box and there was the heart ring. I asked him if he went back and bought it but that wasn’t the case. He had purchased it a couple of weeks prior, had it shipped to his mother’s house, and his mother brought it with her to Key West so he could give it to me for a Valentine’s/ Birthday present. I was mortified about what I said earlier that day. I said it was too small and I didn’t want it, and all the while he was holding onto it waiting to give it to me.

I cried tears of joy and once it was actually mine I absolutely loved the ring. It was perfect. I apologized for ruining his surprise and we went off to dinner. The best part is that my mother didn’t know he bought it either. When we got to dinner I kept trying to show her my hand so she would notice the ring. Eventually she saw it and was shocked. AJ told his story to my parents and we all had a giggle. Then my mother said, “I’m glad you bought it because otherwise I was going to have to.”

For my birthday this year I got another beautiful surprise, earrings to complete the set.

I am very proud to wear all three of these heirlooms-in-the-making. I do not wear a lot of jewelry. When I wear jewelry it is usually because I am “dressing up” for an occassion or feeling in a good mood that day. When things are really going well, I love to put on my heart collection and think of all the stories that go along with completing the set.

Check out Mel’s for the rest of Show and Tell