Will the soul searching ever end? I guess I should say no. If I let myself think I have nothing else to work on in life, then what will I accomplish beyond this? What would I end up like?

I appreciate all of the wonderful comments left on this blog. Readers are cheering me on as I tackle what seems to be an insurmountable task of making a charity successful. I know we are fulfilling one half of our mission statement- emotional assistance and coping, offering guidance and hope. The second half, the financial part, is the bear.

Don’t get me wrong. We are awarding grants in June. They will be at least $1,000. But to how many people and exactly how much I do not know. We are planning our first big fundraiser as many of you know, and I am not ashamed to admit that I am scared.

I am scared it will not be successful enough. We won’t sell enough tickets. It won’t make enough money. I don’t want to let anyone down.

I am taking a big risk by putting my heart on the line. This non-profit and blog are a portrayal of what lives and breathes inside of me.

I never thought I would be someone dedicated to charity work. I guess that’s because when you are involved in a charity or foundation, you do not look at it as work but a necessity. The people who have supported me and helped to get PFM off the ground are noble and wonderful. They believed in the cause first and somewhere along the line they began to believe in me.

I began to believe in me.

I recently posed a very difficult question to myself. Why am I doing this? In the beginning my reasons for starting this non-profit were very clear- to help others in a similar situation avoid some heartache. To help them feel less alone.

My struggle with infertility and becoming a parent have not faded, but it has become more engrained in who I am today. As things remain difficult with growing a national non-profit, unfortunately I am losing a little bit of steam. The fear of not fulfilling what I aim to accomplish has set in. I realize that this fear is what will ultimately keep me going. The support system that I have is amazing, and when I shed tears because I am overwhelmed, there is someone there to help wipe them away. No one could do this alone. However in the end, the sobering fact is that this is about me and my continued desire to write this blog, market PFM, find new and exciting ways to spread the word of our cause, and dedicate a huge part of my life to helping others.

I do not forget, though that helping others helps me. I have become acutely aware that every act of kindness is a reaction. Throughout our difficult journey of ART and infertility there were bright spots. We met certain people that helped put things into perspective. We adopted our son from S. Korea because of a woman we met by chance. We have our son because of a chance meeting! I was forced to reevaluate my life and to learn to make the most of things. Disappointment and pain can breed wonderful things if you open yourself up to the possibilities.

I guess my status is that I’m a little tired. There is a fluttering in my heart all the time because I have many tasks to complete. What I need to come to terms with is that the list will never be complete. Not with the non-profit, motherhood, my marriage, or running a household. I will never have the ceremonial scratching off of the last to-do item. I envision a big, fat shar.pie marker, black ink, the left to right motion. DONE. Who wants a Margarita?

I guess for now I will just take the Margarita. Salt please.

I may be getting used to the idea that I am in the press, on TV, the radio, podcasts, reviews, magazines and on and on. However, the focus on my particular journey is becoming less and less as PFM grows wings. I will now be able to speak about the countless number of people PFM will help. I will be able to share success stories. There will be pictures of families and newborn babies displayed as a testament that PFM is needed. I will continue to educate people on the difficulties of infertility and loss, the necessity of financial and emotional support when someone cannot have the family they desire.

I can try to be a voice.

That is why I am doing this.

(Please consider entering our blog entry contest to help educate others on infertility, adoption, and loss. Rules are on the right. It can be an old or new entry. You also do not need to have a blog to participate.)