I don’t have the energy. Infertility and all it is about has exhausted me. I am a mother. I am ecstatic to be a mother. I cuddle with my bundle of ever growing joy and giggle and smile all over. He is heaven on earth. But, infertility hangs over my head. What happened to my plans of having 3 children? I do believe deep down (how I don’t know) that this is going to happen some way. But, when I weigh my options for motherhood, most of them entail lots of money; that is too much to contemplate most days.

I put a lot of faith in getting pregnant naturally. This may be a big mistake, but I know it is possible. After having adopted I feel very confident that a second adoption is in our future. I have thought of surrogacy. I at the very least know for sure that I will not do IVF on my own body- well, 99.9% sure. How about I have one option? Know when I ovulate, have an abundance of healthy sperm ready and waiting and get two lines on a pregnancy test?

How did that turn out to be such an impossibility?

We had a charity yard sale a couple of months ago and someone very generously donated tons of baby girl clothes. They were newborn to six months, practically new and so cute. I went through the bags and pulled out each onesie and dress and thought who I could give these clothes to if they didn’t sell. I wanted so badly to save the them in my attic just in case. There were little hats and shoes and an adorable teeny, tiny bathing suit. Maybe if I just kept the clothes that weren’t purchased it would offer a better chance of having a newborn to hold. Will I ever have a newborn to hold? Is it really that important? I just do not know.

Infertility is exhausting because my emotions are all over the board. Some days I am absolutely fine with never having my child in my life from birth. I can accept I will never be pregnant. But, dammit those feelings just won’t stick. Doubt creeps in. Sadness sweeps over me. Hope continues to hover and tingle my scalp that something will miraculously happen with our fertility. We will beat the odds.

I know that others in my life wonder if pregnancy will happen on its own. My SIL was going to donate her maternity clothes for the yard sale. The tote was labelled as such and I just could not let her put the items in the sale. She told me she didn’t want to bring them over and would happily take them home. Just knowing those clothes are in her attic waiting for my chance to experience pregnancy leaves me with lingering hope.

I did, however decide to give away 2 books I have stored in a box for over three years. A pregnancy journal given to me and “What to Ex.pect When You’re Ex.pecting.” I bought this famous book when I was pregnant for 3 weeks. I remember reading the part about having a shooting pain in your right side meant it could be an ectopic pregnancy. I remember crying and knowing that was happening to me. I gave these 2 books to a good friend and cannot wait for her to be able to use them. They are of no use to me. She will use the journal and return the book if I ever need it. I felt very uplifted by giving these books away.

My son keeps me going. He fills my life with a sense of purpose. He is growing in leaps and bounds, and I am trying to soak everything in. We have moved to a “big bed.” I had to buy new pants today because he has grown so tall. DH said that he has seen MinMan grow up in the past few days- his language is exploding, his mannerisms have changed. But, he still my baby. He allows me to experience motherhood. Without him I would be a mess. I would be empty inside trying to find meaning in my life. I would be feeling all the same draining and depressing emotions of being barren.

There are good weeks and bad weeks. I know I am lucky. I know everything will work itself out. I am truly confident in that. Today I am just feelings my emotions and letting them out.