What I Thought I Couldn’t Have

Going through infertility and being scared to death I would never be a mommy, there were so many things I longed to have in my life that went along with parenthood. I wanted all the widgets and gadgets and homemade blankets and cute little socks. It is amazing how much you notice when it comes to something you cannot have. Here’s a simple example. My brother had this trike for my niece- the kind with the handle in the back for the parent to steer. He used this as his means of transportation instead of a stroller. He took her out on strolls at the age of one because he found a strap for it so she wouldn’t fall off. My parents live 5 doors down from my brother, and every time I turned into my parent’s driveway and saw the tricycle parked outside their door I felt a pang of sorrow. It always hurt to see the little bike, especially when she was riding on it. I could not help but ask will I ever get to use a stroller or wagon or trike? Will I ever walk over here with my child?

One day a few years back I was watching my niece, and we were playing in her bedroom. I just could not stop staring at all the cute girly things in her room and how her mommy had decorated it so beautifully. I had been in her room a hundred times, but this time I had a few minutes to sit on her warm fluffy rug and be alone with her. The nursery exuded love and everything childlike- the shelves with the finger puppets and books, the piggy bank, the mobile. I hoped upon hope that I could decorate a room with such love, that one room in my house would be totally and completely for a child to grow up in. That same day I was talking to my niece in her room and reading a book, and I began to cry. I remember holding her tight and crying silent tears into her little neck. Oh, how I loved her.

Turns out the baby monitor was on outside where my brother was playing football with our cousins. One of them came upstairs to usher us outside; I think he was trying to save me from more exposure. They all knew my circumstances. It was weird, but I didn’t feel embarrassed that they may have heard me talking and crying with my niece. On the contrary I felt a little relief that I could reveal some of my pain without having to look them in the eye.

I used to buy a ton of clothes for my niece. It gave me hope for some reason. When I saw her wearing something I bought, I felt a greater connection to her. But walking into any store dedicated to babies and toddlers was like knocking the wind out of me; somehow I kept going back for more. As more time passed without a successful pregnancy I stayed away from all places baby, and either went in on a gift with friends or asked my mom to buy something for me. The grief became too much as the years went by and my cloud of sadness never had the ability to lift.

I have wondered since becoming a mom if I notice more things about my life as a parent than those who have not experienced infertility. Do I have a different outlook and heightened sense of awareness of every detail than those who had no trouble conceiving? It is a question that needs no definitive answer. However, it is common perception that those who have suffered do not take things for granted because they have a better understanding of how fragile life is. A cancer survivor probably looks at the beauty of life with more fortitude and grace than I do, and I consider myself very conscientious of living every day to the fullest, expressing my love for friends and family, and understanding that life is precious. However, I do not presume to have any idea what it feels like to face death, to be scared I will not see my children grow up or live to be old and gray with my husband.

What I do know is that I am always aware of the little things that come with parenting. I still smile when I see the bathtub toys strewn across the bottom of the tub. While grocery shopping I happily throw a box of $40 diapers in my shopping cart because I remember walking down that baby aisle with an empty heart just wishing I had a reason to buy a sippy cup or jar of baby food. When I see his 3 pair of shoes in a little pile near the door I heave a sigh of contentment. There are little feet in our house to fit those shoes. Thank goodness.

In celebration of our son’s arrival home from Korea we had a huge party, and we received one of those trikes as a gift. I had to register for it. Seeing my son in the seat smiling and ringing the little bell was my right of passage. A couple of weeks ago Min Man and I trekked down to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and I loved watching the tricycle’s brand new wheels get covered in dirt as we rolled down the sidewalk. Once again the pain of infertility slipped a little further from my heart.

Getting to this point in my life has very trying and difficult. Wishing to be parents for four years has left a dent on my soul. There were many, many low moments with each negative pregnancy test and failed medical procedure. Letting go the dream of getting pregnant and having a biological child came with a lot of soul searching. But I am so grateful we were able to move on to adoption and fulfill our parenthood dreams.

Tomorrow when my son wakes up talking to all his Sesame Street animals and gives me a huge grin with his perfect white teeth, I won’t remember my ectopic pregnancy or 6 failed IUI’s or 3 failed IVF cycles . I will look to the new day as his mommy. I will pick out another cute outfit for him, we will brush our teeth together, eat toast together and laugh and giggle together. We will learn together about loving and being a family.

131 thoughts on “What I Thought I Couldn’t Have”

  1. There has been a lot of pregnancies announced on blogs lately it seems.

    I love love love this paragraph you wrote:
    “What I do know is that I am always aware of the little things that come with parenting. I still get a smile when I see the bathtub toys strewn across the bottom of the tub. I happily throw a box of $40 diapers in my shopping cart because I remember walking down that baby aisle with an empty heart just wishing I had a reason to buy a sippy cup or jar of babyfood. When I see his 3 pair of shoes in a little pile near the door I heave a sigh of contentment. There are little feet in ths house to fit those shoes. Thank goodness.”

    I know I will be so appreciative of the little things when my time comes too. When I read blogs and it’s petty little complaints like that I say ‘you should be so blessed to have those messes to clean up’. It’s all in the perspective. I know I will be an awesome mom when my time comes (hopefully soon). I hope that adoption will “cure” my need for a bio baby. I’m pretty much over the bio baby hope, but my hubby is not so I’m still trying for him but not too much longer. We need to move on and focus on our family.

  2. Well said. I am so glad you are getting to experience all those happy moments and really wish I could banish the what ifs for you.

  3. That was a lovely, lovely post. I was actually going to point out the very same paragraph that Yaya did. Obviously I’m still waiting for a chance at motherhood, but that really spoke to me. I can’t see how buying diapers or picking up toys would feel like a chore after you’ve been through IF in any form! I really “get” what you’re saying.

    Great post. I love reading about your wonderful experiences with adoption and motherhood!

  4. This is a beautiful post. I often wonder how I will feel if and when I finally have a child. It’s lovely to hear that you appreciate your special blessing. Caroline x

  7. Beautiful post. I’m so glad I found an adoption perspective to read. I’ve been thinking more and more about that route and I only know one couple (and they are both men so its not really the same situation) in real life who have adopted. Its nice to read about your perspective.

  8. What a beautiful, thought provoking, endearing post. I’m so glad that the pain of IF slips farther and farther away each time. I wish for it to go away as far as possible for you.
    *HUGS*

  9. I was awake most of last night because LB didn’t feel well, had a slight fever, and wasn’t sleeping. I might have slept 2 hours over the course of the night.

    Of course I feel pretty crappy today, but I also can’t keep a smile off of my face every time it occurs to me that “I was up all night with a sick kid”. Lucky me!

  10. What a lovely post! I appreciated your description of the ways you find joy in mundane parenting tasks (ex. picking up toys or buying diapers), because you are glad to have to do the task.

    Sometimes I get hung-up on my secondary infertilty…I need to remember never to lose sight of my sweet 4-year-old, even when I’m longing for her to have a sibling. Thanks for the great reminder. 🙂

  14. Erica,

    That is one beautiful post! I’m sitting here crying about the tricycle. Seriously, I’m so sorry for all of your losses but so happy for you that you’re starting to get those “tricycle moments”. Beautiful post! Thanks for visiting my blog tonight.

    Take care,

    Jeanne

  15. You captured so many Mama truths in this beautiful & genuine post.

    I’ve shared this before, but you know so many of the things you express(beautifully) resonate with me. I too celebrate the tiny messes, disruptions, interrupted sleeptimes & general chaos. 🙂 If not for L & T I would never heard the most magical and lovely word in the world…..”Mama”.

    I hope to never take it for granted.

    I celebrate with joy your tricycle moment and wish you many many more joyful ‘rides’ around the block with your babe!
    ~hugs, Lisa

  17. Wow, what a beautiful, heartfelt post. I’m so glad you are a mommy now and that you are “learning together about loving and being a family.”

  20. So very true! I often catch myself in the midst of ANOTHER load of laundry or needing MORE formula or a MESS of toys etc thinking about how grateful I am for all of those things. So for each tired night, snotty nose, dollar spent, smelly diaper etc I am nothing but grateful for being able to experience the pure bliss of being a Mommy!

  21. Wow, what an awesome post. My kids are older now, but I absolutely cherished all of their firsts and even some of their seconds LOL. I too would throw something into the cart just because of my love for my two girls. Having a relationship with grown children is also incredibly rewarding, especially when they call and let you know they just can’t make a specific decision without a bit of input from mom 🙂

  25. I have never been moved to tears by a post or anything else. I was today. I’m prolifically wordy, and pride myself on my ability to throw out 5-dollar words, and I could never have put my feelings into words like you did. You described how I feel exactly. I was due 1 week later than my SIL, and my baby was anencephalic. I still have to make myself go to their house. I still have to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. I love my nephew, but I didn’t meet him until he was 8 weeks old. I couldn’t go to the hospital. I’m sobbing even as I’m writing this. I’m surprised my laptop hasn’t electrocuted me. I hate those people who complain about stuff like that, when I’d be so grateful, I’d run over my grandmother to love that kid. I’d give my right (dominant) arm for a chance to have a baby and try to heal from this. It hurts so much. Sorry for the essay.

  28. I love this post, and can relate. I could not ovulate on my own but with the help of God and doctors, am expecting my first baby in February!

    Have a great day, my SITS friend!

    Becca @ My Perception of Life

  29. I think that all mothers should take time to appreciate the blessings of having children whenever they can. I’m so happy for you that you are getting a chance to experience motherhood. There really is nothing like it.

  30. What a truly beautiful post! I didn’t decide to even try to become a mommy until after I fell in love with my niece and nephew. Once I had a taste of that kind of love, I knew that my journey would include motherhood.

  31. A truly heartrending post. I know how very lucky I am to have my children. My husband and I have also suffered eight losses too. We can conceive quite easily it seems, yet holding onto a pregnancy is much harder. I’m not trying to compare that with infertility, but wanted to point out that we do know the pain of loss even though the picture you see on the outside is different.

    It upsets me when parents complain about their children, label them with awful, awful nicknames, or moan about how terrible they are even in front of them.

    My heart aches for those trying to conceive, but I have to admit that I am very wary and uncertain as to whether to comment on blogs like this because of how lucky I have been to be blessed so much. I feel it may be misinterpreted as me rubbing salt into open wounds and would never want to do that, so I don’t know what to do.

    God bless you and your family.

  33. This was a beautiful post. I’m so glad you were able to have your dream of having a child, even if it was in a different way than you had originally hoped and planned for.

  34. Thank you so much for bravely sharing your story! A perfect reminder of what a precious gift children are! God’s Richest Blessings to You!

  36. Unlike you, I never desired to be a mother except for maybe 3 very fleeting moments my whole life because I hated the thought of being pregnant and so was happy to find a man who was perfectly okay with that. I have thought about adoption or being a foster parent from time to time, but my husband really wasn’t interested in doing that.

    I am happy for you that you are now a mommy and enjoying it!

    Congrats on your SITS day!

  42. Beautiful post and congratulations on being able to have that special child.

    I almost lost my twins b/c I had to have them at 27 wks. I too appreciate a lot of the little moments. I pray that this appreciations will NEVER slip away from me. My husband and I see it as a gift from God.

  45. I am so, so so moved by this. thank you so much for sharing this.

    Happy SITS day and i think your post is the most moving one ive read yet.

  46. After I type this I am going to hug my little scamp of a 4 year old son and give my other 4 month old son a big ol kiss.

    Thank you for reminding me to enjoy mommyhood. It’s a blessing. It’s easy to forget that when you are a STHM in the last week of summer before school starts.

  50. I love this post. It is just beautiful. I’ve never experienced anything like this (mainly ’cause I’m only 18!), but to read your post is amazing.

    Happy SITS Day! =)

  54. Beautiful post! It certainly opened my eyes. It’s easy to forget the important things when you get caught up in the small stuff. Thanks for sharing!

    Happy SITS day!

  57. This is such a beautiful post. So sorry that you had such a hard road to becoming a mommy, and so thrilled that you finally have your cute little guy!

  61. This was a really sweet post. I can’t relate to the happiness on the diaper costs b/c it kills me to fork over that $20 for a big pack of Pampers, but I’m so glad you are getting to enjoy motherhood. 🙂

  62. What a lovely post, I am so glad it worked out for you, I am a stepmom to my 2 year old SS, I often worry about not being able to have kids myself, the pain that must cause. It is amazing how much you notice and focus on things that you cannot have. Sounds like you had a very hard journey but it all worked out in the end and thankfully you appreacite it when I am sure most people take it for granted. Have a great day, congrats on being the FB!!

  63. Thank you so much for this beautiful, heartfelt post. I have not struggled with infertility but love many people who do and I could understand the depth of their pain better by reading this post. I am so glad that you were blessed with a precious baby.

    Thank you for the reminder to be grateful for every element of motherhood. It is such a privelige.

    Happy SITS day.

  64. Wow, that made me cry! Anything fertility related does, though. I had fertility issues before becoming pregnant with my first. There was no secondary infertility. The second one came unplanned!

    Good for you for being appreciative of what you have. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the bad things.

    Happy SITS Day!

  66. I found your blog through SITS and it really strikes a personal chord. I have been blessed with two sons and another little boy due next month – but before any of them ever came to be, I spent five agonizing years wondering if I would ever get the chance that other women so often take for granted.

    After 11 IUIs and countless rounds of Gonal-F injections, we were finally told (in a really pessimistic tone) that IVF would be our only option. We took a year off to save up the money. At the end of that year, much to our surprise, we were pregnant with our oldest son.

    Amazingly enough, we didn’t struggle to conceive our second and third – but my heart still knows all too well what it feels like to be “the infertile girl.” I’m so familiar with the pain you describe as you walked down the baby aisle; I used to avoid it (and baby showers, christenings, the park on a Saturday …) at all costs. The sadness and emptiness permeated my entire being, every day. And though I’ve moved past that stage in my life, it’s never far behind me, and I doubt I’ll ever be able to forget how heartbreaking, how LIFE-CHANGING infertility is.

    Thank you for such a beautiful post. 🙂

  68. Your son is a very Lucky Child. One day he will look at you and wonder where all your love came from. All the pain you suffered has probably made you a better, more loving and patient Mom. You are a MOM, to him there is no other. I hope that everyday that goes by that you are being a mother to this boy, that your pain lessens. Stopping By From SITS. =) Happy SITS day!

  69. Such a beautiful post!! I’m stopping over from SITS, and I think they did a wonderful job picking you as the FB. My step-son and DIL had some difficulties in conceiving (not nearly as difficult as you) and she had to endure 2 IVF treatments to finally get pregnant with twins ~ only to lose one inutero. We are very lucky to now have a beautiful 3 year old grandson. If the 2nd IVF didn’t work (WAY too $$$), their next step was adoption. I think anyone who is able to give love to any child who needs it, AS YOU HAVE SO APTLY DONE, is a gift from God, and I believe that you will be rewarding 10-fold!!

  70. My husband and I are now trying to conceieve. We lost our first attempt. In one month, it will be one year of trying. I know our time will come eventually, but I am all too familiar with the pangs of wanting to be a mother. I have two nieces too. My second niece was only recently delivered. And until I can be a mommy, I try to be the best Aunt I can possibly be. I know that one way or another, we will be parents, but until then it hurts and it’s comfort like your blog that keep us strong.

  71. Congrats on the adoption of your son!!!!

    I had infertility problems with my 3rd child (tried for 2 years, charting, clomid, etc) and we almost adopted from China. I got pregnant a month before we started the process. So I have a special place in my heart for overseas adoptions. If it weren’t for my now empty wallet. I dare say, I’d love to go ahead and welcome a 4th child into home.

  72. Here from SITS!

    This post brought so much emotion up for me. As a newlywed this is something that is very much in the back of my mind. What if I will never be able to have kids??

    Sounds like you are an amazing mom…God Bless!

  73. What an inspiration! You have to share that blog entry with your son someday. I love that you’ve adopted. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, when I’m ready for kids. I think it’s an incredible thing, giving a child a home who needs one. And just think, one day your son will know that you needed him as much as he needed you!

  74. As someone who’s unintentionally single, I have the same types of struggles about marriage/parenthood. Of the women I know that have a husband and kids, it’s the one that were single longer that know best how to relate to me and encourage me. I think once you’ve been there you know. Someone who got married right out of college can’t really understand what I’m going through just like a woman who got pregnant within a few months of trying can’t understand infertility.

  75. I post all the time on my blog about the pain I went through with infertility and the joys I now have with adopting our beautiful daughter and being on the adoption list again. I’m so glad you have this site this is something that needs SUCH support! PS-I love that you don’t mention your son or show pics of his face, I’m that same way to protect my child. In fact the name you see on my site isn’t even my real name! ha! God Bless you!

  76. First off, congrats on being the FB 🙂

    Secondly, this post was beautifully written. Very poignant and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing…

  77. This post is so much bigger than your words. It is filled with the spirit of truth and hope for all prospective mothers.

    I am so very thrilled at how your story has turned out! Your joy is palpable and lovely.

    Blessings!

    BlogBaby’s BabyMama

  78. Thanks for sharing your story 😀 My mom struggled for 16 years to have me. My mother in law & her sister both started menopause very very young, and both ended up adopting! Adoption is very close to my heart, even more so since Jeff’s an adoptee.

  79. After reading so many comments from SO MANY women who have shared your struggle, I’m almost embarassed to say I have two beautiful boys, and never really gave a thought as to whether or not I’d get pregnant.

    Your post makes me realize to appreciate the messes, noise and general chaos, as opposed complaining about it.

    Glad to hear your story had a happy ending, in that beautiful little boy!

  80. I’m glad everything finally worked out for you. I had 2 miscarriages, which are really hard to deal with, but I have 2 beautiful daughters now.

  81. In all honesty, this post made me cry. I have so many friends and even family who suffer with infertility, and it absolutely breaks my heart. I wish I could share some of my fertility with them. I am so happy for you that you are finally a mother! What a beautiful blessing, and I am sure you will cherish every part of it. I know that even when my son is throwing a tantrum I often smile on the inside because I love him so much and am so grateful to be his mother. I am sure that is tenfold for you.

  83. This is beautifully written. Hopefully we can all remember to enjoy and appreciate those small things like shoes and bath toys. Congratulations on your family, and on your SiTS day!!

  87. This post was both heartbreaking and filled with hope. There’s something special about a child you chose. Parenthood comes in all shapes and sizes and I’m glad you found one that fits you. You made me realize that even though life with my newborn is difficult I should be grateful for every sleepless night and spit up filled shirt.

  88. I am so glad you have written this. This is something that so many women deal with and a lot of people do not know how to understand it. This is helpful.

    Happy SITS day!

  90. I know what you mean. I can remember countless nights when I would hold one of my crying twins and thank God for the privilege of being sleep-deprived. They are 14 now and I have never taken for granted the privilege of having them. My miracle babies will always be the light of my life. And you are one of those moms who deserves the miracle of your son!

  91. What a great reminder to moms everywhere to step back, take a breath on occasion and remember the blessing amidst the messes.

    Happy SITS Day.

  92. Happy SITS day and thank you for sharing this beautiful, heartfelt post as well as that (less) private (than expected) moment with the baby monitor and your unexpected take on the incident.

    I related totally — to the wanting to be a mom more than anything, to the infertility, to the rapture of finally having your dream come true and to savoring the little things. I do bitch and moan a bit, but not about my duaghter.

    And I remember that sad feeling that would overtake me like fog at unexpected moments, like that clutch I’d feel when a woman came into the fertility doc’s office with her child, or at baby showers. So glad to have these moments replaced by joy. Still lots of challenges, of course, but joy prevails.

  94. This is such a wonderful post…written with so much heart and love. I’ve been there…I completely understand where you’re coming from!

  99. Thanks so much for sharing!! My husband and I are just starting the adoption process. We found out about 18 months ago that we would not be able to have kids. This was way hard but at the same time nice that we didn’t try for years and years or do a bunch of worthless tests! I am so glad that you have a son now! I can’t wait for that day!! Happy SITS day, I’m following you! 🙂
    Julie

  104. What a heartfelt post. I’m so happy that you are able to live your dream of being a mommy. Your little boy is very lucky! Happy Sits DAy.

  106. I remember trying and trying to get pregnant without any success. We had just gone to the Dr. to begin testing to see what was “wrong” when I went to a friends baby shower…I began crying at the first gift opened and as each precious little thing was unwrapped I thought I would never stop crying.

    That was the week before I found out that I was pregnant.

    Part of me has always held onto that moment, those emotions at the baby shower. I know so many wonderful women who have or are still living them.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Many will be encouraged that they are not alone and many will hold their own children a little tighter.

    Enjoy the SITSta love!!

  109. It took us seven years. The doctors told us they didn’t know why. There was no apparent reason for us to not be pregnant. We decided on adoption instead of IVF and as we were completing our classes I found out I was pregnant. Almost five years later I still look at her with awe and shock that she is real and she is mine. I cried when they let us take her home from the hosptial. I didn’t think they would let us, like it was too good to be true. Congrats on your baby, there is nothing like being a mother.

  112. I found your blog through SITS and am so glad I did. After a 2 year struggle to get pregnant with our son, we are in the midst of a 3 year battle to try and conceive our second and sometimes it is so good to have support from someone who actually knows what we are going through.

    I know exactly what you meant about walking through the baby aisles and buying gifts for other babies knowing all you want is one of your own.

    Thank you so much for your blog. I will definitely be following!

  113. beautiful post. I went through 2 years of infertility before finally conceiving so I can understand some of your pain. I am so happy you were able to adopt your little boy. 🙂

    Happy feature day!

  114. Love this. I remember when I was trying to get pregnant, it seemed that everyone and their sister was getting pregnant. Why not me? When will it be my turn?

    Happy SITS day!

  115. I am so amazed by this post. I struggled with infertility for 5 years before adopting my oldest daughter and becoming pregnant with my second. Reading about your heart, your thoughts, was like a window into my own. Infertility was a journey I would do again to have my girls but the anguish still seems fresh. The little things were hard for me too like baby showers, or seeing families in the park. It was the lowest valley of my life producing the greatest joy of my life. I am so happy to have caught a glimpse of your valley, to share in those emotions never truly forgotten and then realize the blessing of motherhood. It is wonderful how you encourage others.

  126. I’ve been out of town this week, so I’m playing catch up from SITS – sorry I’m late! 🙂 What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You put things just wonderfully. Although we have had 3 children, I have several family members that struggle with this as well – I’m going to have to let them know about your site. Hope your day in the SITS spotlight was a good one.

  127. Hi I’m stopping by from SITS, I know this is a day late, but I pray you will see it. Your writing is so open and heartfelt and I know how honest it really is. As someone who did eventually conceive and carry two pregnancies after much IF testing and treatments I know how precious my children are.
    Thank you for sharing your journey, I look forward to reading more about your support network and your story. Have a wonderful day!

  128. Stopping by from SITS sorry so late- but I’ve been there we adopted a little african american boy who has brought more joy than I ever dreamed possible. Im so happy for you and your family!

  130. Stefanie says:

    Sorry this is late, but I wanted to thank you for your post. I am 40, single and still hoping that the option for being a mommy is not gone forever. Reading your story makes me cry…but it makes me smile too. Thank you.

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