There are times when I look back at all I have written and all I have thought and said and think, is not giving birth to a biological child really all that bad?

Yes, I will never see a life created by my husband and I. What would he or she look like? What traits would he or she possess from us or our relatives?

Yes, I will never know what it is like to be pregnant. I am a woman. A woman who wants to get pregnant. It does still seem odd that getting pregnant cannot happen for me. C’mon. I have all the parts and they even work, I think. No pregnancy?

But I am a mother. I have a son who is absolutely amazing. Every day I am in awe.

I have another son who lives far away but will be in his home soon enough. He will be a little brother, son, grandchild, great grandchild, cousin, nephew, and friend to so many people.

Again our home will be filled with a baby boy.

But then I pause and remember that the journey through infertility is full of pain. There are most definitely highs and lows. There are moments filled with hope and pure dread. But the desire to have a family is strong- in your bones strong. We push on and keep on keepin‘ on.

I recently had a conversation with someone who revealed to me the power of the human mind and how positive thinking can alter many outcomes. I have heard this before and tried to practice positive thinking when all I wanted to do was wallow. But for some reason this time I really believed that my own thoughts reflect on my successes and failures in life. I have come to a new phase in my journey. I have healed in so many ways. My scars are no where near as visible and at this point I am more open minded about lack of pregnancy.

What I realized is that I need to dream. I need to think about everything I do and how I can drive my own success and happiness. And I have to be okay with the outcome.

If I am okay with the outcome, and I am grateful for everything that is positive, then I will lead a happy life.

Today is about the present. And I have decided to stop looking back at all the difficult times leading up to becoming a parent. Reflection on hard times is a necessity. We must not forget any part of our life because of how it has shaped us. But I have decided to really try and reflect on wonderful things that have transpired since infertility became a part of my life.

I will still have my days of sadness. I will continue to wonder why having a family is so easy for others and yet the biggest hurdle many others will ever face. But maybe, just maybe this is a step for me in the direction of letting go. Releasing some of the pent up pain that has not allowed me to move on.

*image provided by google images