Author: Erica

Randomonium 1.15.10

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Random and Pandemonium.

What life is really all about.

1) Recyle your old greeting cards. St Jude’s Ranch for Children.
They are accepting used, all-occasion cards from:
November 15, 2009 – February 28, 2010

You can mail your donations to:
St. Jude’s Ranch for Children
Recycled Card Program
100 St. Jude’s Street – Boulder City, NV 89005
877-977-SJRC (7572)

The children participate in making the new cards by removing the front and attaching a new back. The result is a beautiful new card made by the children and volunteers. The benefits are two-fold: customers receive “green” holiday cards for use and the children receive payment for their work and learn the benefits and importance of “going green”.

2) Hop on over to my friend Sally’s blog. She is an adoptive mother and author. Her book was recently released. “What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: A Paren’ts Perspective.” She is a director for Parenthood for Me as well. She will delivering the keynote address at our Family Building Dinner in April.
Click here to visit her blog. She asks what you would want a keynote speaker to say at an event like ours.
3) Thank you to Kym at I’m A Smart One for holding a fundraiser for PFM to celebrate her blogoversary. Check out her blog. Her goal is to get a table sponsorship at our Family Building Dinner from the ALI community. What a lovely idea to have everyone there in spirit.
4) Become a fan of Parenthood for Me.org on Facebook. Please suggest to your friends.
“It is not length of life, but depth of life.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Series on Surrogacy- Guest Author

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In her every day life, Kymberli is a post-infertility mother to el Cinco: her four kids (all Clomid babies) plus her nephew whom she is raising. Kymberli teaches 8th grade English and her husband, Frank, is a cookie-baking, dinner-cooking, house-cleaning, stay-at-home-dad extraordinaire. Kymberli’s alter-ego is a bad ass superhero who has tipped back into the waters of infertility, this time as a gestational surrogate. She’s helped one couple build a family with the birth of her surro-son Sam in 2007. In her blog I’m a Smart One, Kymberli discusses the continuation of her efforts to be a surrogate and parenting after infertility.

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Since beginning my blog two years ago, many people have contacted me for advice concerning beginning surrogacy journeys either as intended parents or as a surrogate. I’m honored that Erica has asked me to share information that might be helpful individuals and couples who are considering surrogacy as their path to parenthood. Over the next few weeks, I will answer the questions that I am asked most frequently by prospective intended parents.

This introductory post will answer the basic and most important question for both intended parents and surrogates: Where and how do I begin? It will also set the framework for the other important surrogacy considerations; in the coming posts, I’ll delve deeper into the emotional and technical aspects mentioned below.

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The first step of starting a surrogacy journey isn’t placing an ad or signing with an agency; the first step is educating yourself about the surrogacy process and making several decisions as an individual or couple, and then making the dive into surrogacy. It might seem that this is a no-brainer, but it is not uncommon for some prospective intended parents (IPs) and surrogates to jump right into trying to find a match before they even understand the process. First, intended parents should decide on the type of surrogacy they would prefer to purse – traditional or gestational surrogacy.

Traditional vs. Gestational Surrogacy

The most fundamental fact to learn about surrogacy is that there are two types: traditional surrogacy (TS) and gestational surrogacy (GS).
Traditional surrogates conceive through artificial insemination of the intended father’s (IF) sperm, either through basic home insemination or through a clinic intrauterine insemination (IUI). Alternatively, donor sperm may be used. In traditional surrogacy, the TS is genetically the mother of baby, and is, in essence, the baby’s birth mother.
Gestational surrogates (GS) conceive through IVF transfer of developing embryos. In this case, the surrogate is not related to the baby. Most embryos in a GS arrangement are formed from the intended mother’s (IM’s) eggs and the IF’s sperm. Though the baby is carried by a surrogate, he or she is completely the genetic offspring of his or her parents.
Sometimes there is a problem with the IM’s egg quality, so a fourth party – an egg donor (ED) – is included in the surrogacy process. Conversely, if male-factor infertility is an issue, a sperm donor could be used in a GS arrangement.
In a fewer number of instances, a set of intended parents (IP’s) will both have such extensive infertility that they may choose to accept a donation of embryos from another couple, or both donor eggs and sperm are used.
There are even instances of traditional surrogacy via IVF (TS/IVF), in which a surrogate is the egg donor, and then undergoes an IVF transfer of embryos (fertilized with the intended father’s or donor sperm).

Pros and Cons to TS and GS

Traditional surrogacy is less-invasive, less time-consuming, and for IPs, is less-expensive. The central challenge of deciding on traditional surrogacy involves genetics. For a potential TS, this means deciding whether or not she could part with a baby that is genetically hers. For perspective TS IPs, this means feeling comfortable with the knowledge that the child their surrogate carries is her genetic offspring.

Gestational surrogacy alleviates the genetic challenges that are present in traditional surrogacy. The biggest hurdles for gestational surrogacy are the invasive screening procedures, hormone injections and medications, and overall extended length of the entire process. Additionally, for intended parents gestational surrogacy adds costly clinic fees that aren’t necessary in traditional surrogacy.

Agency or Independent

Before a match is found, how that match will be found should be determined – either through a surrogacy agency or independently (indy). Through an agency, there is a third party who helps intended parents and surrogates navigate their surrogacy journeys from matching through to the delivery. In indy journeys, surrogates and IPs navigate the entire process themselves.
Agencies handle almost all things related to the surrogacy. They facilitate matching, coordinate attorneys for contracts, pre-screen surrogates, and help arrange clinic appointments. The intended parents and the surrogates can develop their relationships without too many worries about finances or legal aspects. Many surrogates (especially first-timers) opt to go the agency route, as usually it frees them from the worries of being financially “burned” by IP’s, where irresponsible IP’s leave their surrogates with medical bills or unpaid fees. Agencies are also reassuring for the IP’s, as the surrogates have been pre-screened and are already dedicated to the process. Caveat – though agencies hand-walk surrogates and intended parents through the process, not all agencies are equal; if you decide to go the agency route, you should do extensive research on costs, services offered, and track records. This is one instance where word-of-mouth reputation can be priceless.
In an independent journey, intended parents and surrogates do everything by themselves without the use of a third party. Some websites, such as Surrogate Mothers Online (SMO), have classified ads where both surrogates and IPs can outline the type of person they’re looking for and the type of journey they want to have. Surrogates and potential intended parents (PIP’s) scan the ads, and if one begins to tug at their heartstrings, they can send an email and begin learning about one another. Both parties have complete freedom from start to finish in learning about each other and there is a greater sense of control over what happens through the process. A con to an independent journey is that it leaves both the PIP’s and the surrogates more open to scammers who are not true to the heart of the matter – having a baby and respecting all parties involved in the process. With an independent journey, there also is no third party there to handle uncomfortable situations between the IP’s and surrogates, so they have to handle any problems that may arise by themselves.
Which route is better – independent or agency? The answer to this question is purely a matter of personal preference and comfort levels. People who do no feel like they are good judges of character or have difficulties handling interpersonal conflicts might feel more comfortable with agencies. People who like to hold the deck versus having the cards dealt to them might prefer going indy.
In all surrogacy situations – GS or TS, independent or agency – prospective intended parents have many other things to consider before even attempting to find a match. How much (or how little) will you feel comfortable paying your surrogate in compensation and related fees? How much contact do you want to have with your surrogate before, during, and after the birth of your child/ren? How do you feel about selective reduction, and in which circumstances would you (or would you not) reduce or terminate? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but in order to have a good match, it is imperative that you know where you stand on these issues, and on which you have room for flexibility or none at all. The key to a good match is finding someone who shares the same mindset as you on as many issues as possible. Matching with someone who has polar opposite views on some of the heavier issues could potentially be a recipe for disaster.
Matching with someone who inherently shares a common vision is essential, so you shouldn’t make the foray into something as challenging as surrogacy if you don’t even know what to look for in the first place. The best advice I can give to anyone even considering surrogacy either as an intended parent or surrogate is the old adage “look before you leap.” There is much to learn before you begin, and even more to learn after you begin. Sometimes, experience is not only the best teacher, but it is the only teacher.

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Questions? Post them in the comments, and I’ll either answer there or I’ll let you know if I intend to cover your answer in more depth in a future post.

You’re also welcome to email me at SmartOneKym AT gmail DOT com.

Perfect Moment Monday- Quotable Quotidian

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My Perfect Moment came during my attempt to find my island (see below).
I realized that I have started saying “when” for things that always used to be
prefaced by “if” or “if,then.”
I am so thankful for my mind aligning with my heart. They are
getting along better now.
I feel very optimistic about many things that used to plague me.
Here’s to “when” moments and the perfection of having control over your own life.

The “Quotable Quotidian” can be words of wisdom, famous quotes,

not-so-famous quotes, lines of poetry, a line from a favorite song, etc.

It can be your own insight and creativity or that of another; give credit where credit is due.

If you read something or hear something and feel inspired, share it here.

If you participate, please put a link on your post to return here so everyone can see your words
of wisdom, have a laugh or be inspired.
There is a button on my side bar to add to your post.

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I have spoken often of my love for the Thousand Islands.
Here is a quote from the book, “Of Time and an Island” by John Keats.

Background: This is a true life story of John and his wife Margaret. They were given a wonderful opportunity to purchase an island from her brother who is wealthy. The couple toils with the predicament of affordability and passing up the chance of a lifetime.

It is a crossroads of sorts. The decision is monumental and life altering.

“We were being offered an opportunity to buy something that cannot be sold. After all, what value can you put on sunlight silences, deep clear water, the changing light on antique stone, the comfort of trees, the mysteries of fishing, on making love on the summer grasses of an island of your own?…There is no monetary exchange that can assign a value to privacy or freedom.”

“Each of us needs something of an island in his life- if not an actual island, at least some place, or space in time, in which to be himself, free to cultivate his difference from others.”

“We could not afford to buy the island. But neither could we afford not to buy the island.”

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This rings true on many levels.
There is a strong parallel with my feelings on trying to have a family.
There is no value to be placed on raising a child, loving a child, being a parent.
For some, like my husband and I, we had to find ways financially to create our family.
For us there was no other choice. For many there is no other choice.
The desire is too strong.

I hope everyone finds their island. I am slowly finding mine.

And, I also hope you have a place like the Thousand Islands in your life.
A place of history, beauty, and full of the richness of life and nature.

Extra, Extra…

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read all about it!

As I ponder the decline of the print newspaper. (My parents still ask me every other week if we get the paper at home.)

Here is some news in my world.

Thank you to Sheri for this lovely award. I really appreciate the thought and will add it to my side bar.

Also Sock It To Me is baaaccckkkkk! Check out Kym’s blog I’m A Smart One to participate. What a great way to connect with our fellow bloggers.

Click here to read my post from last time. My socks kick arse, quite literally.

And, Parenthood for Me is looking for sponsors and donors for our Family Building Dinner and Silent Auction April 10. We need to build our endowment. Our first grants are being awarded in June 2010.

We are offering a table sponsorship for $250. A sign goes on the table, there is a mention in the program and on our website.

We are also looking for items for the silent auction. We will pay for shipping within reason.
All donations are tax deductible.

Here are some examples:

  1. Sports teams jersey’s, hockey sticks, tickets, etc. (signed if possible)
  2. Artwork
  3. Hand bags, boutique items
  4. Home decor items

The value of the item should be at least $100. but we have been pairing items that go well together such as 2 donations of jewelry.

Off to eat home made peanut butter swirl brownies prepared by my husband. First day out of bed in four days. Had a horrible cold and so glad the worst is over.

He’ll Always Be My Baby

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Remember the scene in Father of the Bride circa 1990 version where the daughter, Annie comes home from Italy and tells George Banks that she is getting married? He immediately flashes back to when she is 6 years old and hears her news from his little girls perspective. To him she will always be his baby.

When Min man sits on his little training potty looking up at me saying, “pee pee coming,” I imagine that this is the picture I will always have in my head as he grows older. When he towers over me and becomes a man, tells me he’s in love or graduates school, I will think back to that little face and remember my son when he was 2 years old. And I will never forget my favorite sayings.

Here are some favorites:

1. Christmas tree= cranberry tree

2. Whenever he saw a reindeer he asked if his nose hurt- Rudolph’s nose is bright red so it hurts

3. “A cow jumps a moon”= The cow jumping over the moon from “Goodnight Moon.”

4. “Good job, Mom” when I back the car up or park it.

5. “I sit a me”= I sit with mom

2010 is a year of many big accomplishments.
Hopefully potty training will be complete.
Pre-school may be on the horizon.
Anniversary of adoption day.
Birthday #3.

Everyday is a new adventure. Every day I am blessed and grateful.

Oh, and I promise now that I will never sneak into my future in-laws bathroom snooping around in their medicine cabinet or go through their office and rifle through their desk and walk off with their checkbook. (such a good movie)

Happy 2010 to all.

Show and Tell 12.30.09

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I live in a town of about 55,000 people. To many this is small but to others this is a booming metropolis. We have a small town feel, though. My towns name is, Irondequoit-Native American for “where the land and waters meet.” We are very unique in the fact that the town is surrounded by water on 3 sides- Lake Ontario, the Genessee River and the Irondequoit Bay.

People have referred to my town as “Mayberry” because many of its residents stay in town to raise their families and thus know many of their neighbors for great lengths of time. Many married couples attended grade school and high school together. There is a town plumber, electrician, and pub. Our schools are fantastic. I had some of the same teachers in high school that taught my parents.

I wrote about my neighborhood fruit stand before. These are the types of things you see in my town. Several people in my general area set up skating rinks in their yards every year. There are neighborhood associations with Native American names that have been around since the 40’s.

Today I am showing our firehouse’s billboard. I have passed by this billboard nearly every day of my life. Sometimes it announces safety courses or when the fireman are checking car seats. It will have death announcement where the flag flies half staff. My friend from high school who was killed at the tender age of 26 and also a volunteer firefighter had his name listed on the board. The billboard tells us to remember to vote and wishes us Happy Fourth of July.

As I get older the landmarks in my community become more endearing. The firehouse sits next to one of the two popular barber shops in town. People ask do you go here or here? There really aren’t any other choices. For young boys it is a right of passage to get their haircut at one of the barber shops.

I could go on and on because I am so fond of where I live. We have tree lined streets with huge oak trees. There are so many beautiful and coveted houses that the owners get letters in the mail all the time reminding them “if” they ever want to sell, give a call. I am so glad my grandfather and grandmother decided to move up here from Queens after WWII. I am thankful that my dad and mom met and both wanted to raise their families where they grew up. I love the history. My appreciation for tradition and sentimentality are things I want to teach my son. He may move far away or he may stay close to his roots. Either way I plan on being here for a long time.

Check out the rest of Show and Tell.

New To Me

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I usually do not pledge any changes in the form of New Year Resolutions. I try to live my life day to day and make alterations when necessary and celebrate happy times and milestones when they come. I understand the meaning of a new year, a fresh start. I enjoy wiping the slate clean. In my office I am a big fan of new calendars with no marks or smudges, packing up the previous year files and creating brand new, pristine labels for crisp manila folders. Preparing new budgets and goals for the year is very satisfying. I have a different outlook in my personal life. Every day is a chance to change my life for the better (if I have the energy).

I am glad that Mel at Stirrup-Queens asked us to share our Resolution Posts because I have been thinking about something very important. Trying to formulate the post, I just could not come up with a good title. For the first time in a long time I am categorizing the year of 2010 for change in a couple of different ways. Here is one example:

I had a bit of a revelation during December. After visiting with my RE, the thought occurred to me that our infertility journey may have been completely blown out of proportion.(Note- this RE is our second doctor after a few years at a previous practice.) Yes, I seem to have Polystic Ovarian Syndrome. Yes, we have male factor infertility. Therefore, we would have difficulty conceiving on our own. Whether time heals all wounds or not I am not sure. However time does provide clairvoyance. It has been 3 years since I ended my TTC journey through medical intervention. I am not sure exactly when but at some point it became clear that my cycles were rather regular and I am ovulating. Five years ago I was under the impression that I may only ovulate 1-2 times a year. Trying to mastermind that would be worse than trying to win big at the casino. Things seemed pretty dismal. Our “severe MFI” has now turned into moderate to severe. The numbers have varied and are not the best but not the worst either. We did discover that I have ANA and ANC anti-bodies which can now be remedied somewhat.

My point is that I have talked to many, many people in the past year. I have heard different stories of how they ended up in an RE’s office. This has forced me to look back on our experience as rushed and done without enough research. At times I get angry because it is possible that if we had taken some time to try and conceive on our own, see what my cycles would be like without drugs, maybe learn about lifestyle changes and fertility in general, we would never have made it to the fertility clinic. I try not to think about what could have happened because there is no changing the past. Every event led us to being parents of our beautiful son. The “What if’s” are not worth muddling over. But, they can help us avoid making the same mistake- selling our bodies short.

My Resolution for 2010 is to try and conceive. You read that right.

My cycles are pretty regular. Why can’t I buy some OPK’s and try to figure out my body and when I ovulate during my cycle? Why can’t I make some lifestyle changes such as cutting out caffeine, alcohol, and exercising more to try and make my body more healthy in preparation for getting pregnant? Our last IVF slammed the door of conception in our face. What I realize now is that I allowed that door to close and stay closed. I really believed that my body was broken to the point that I would never get or stay pregnant. I do not feel that way anymore.

I have put a lot of thought into going down this road again; however, I do not feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Us infertiles know what failure feels like. We play the hope lottery all the time. I look at this as something I have to do so that I do not wonder for the rest of my life if we could have done more on our own to have a baby. Do we really need all the drugs and procedures? We do not know because we never officially tried on our own. Some people get pregnant with absolutely no effort. Most women have to figure out when they are most fertile. We will have to do that and then some. For instance, I will have to take baby Aspirin for the anti-bodies, we will have to make sure we boost our fertility with diet and exercise, we will have to be extremely aware of a pregnancy in order to try and sustain a pregnancy that may occur. I can come to terms that staying pregnant will be difficult unless we take the necessary measures. But every woman has to worry about miscarriage. I am no different. I am just a bit jaded.

We shall see what the future holds, but I feel good about this realization. I understand that technically we are infertile. Technically our chances of conception are that much lower than 90% of the population. Screw the statistics and my negative frame of mind. After six years I have come out of the fog of impossibility. I am taking control of what I have left of child bearing years and will give it my full attention. I am taking a stab at thinking of myself like most women- TTC the old fashioned way. Conceiving in private and on our own terms. Something in my heart is telling me this is what we need to do. This is the next step in this extremely difficult and mind-opening journey. It is a step toward closure on our baby making abilities. I won’t be left wondering because we will have done everything we needed to do so that we can move on from this part of building our family.

The Dwindling List

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I am usually a freak about the holiday season of Christmas. I start getting all excited as soon as November comes around. I am not a Thanksgiving fan but love it because the next day it is officially the Christmas season. For some reason I just could not muster up the energy for all things that are Christmas. Admittedly having a 2 year old is part of the problem. Everything I want to do takes double the amount of time right now so I decided to omit a few of my usual holiday activities. We got our tree a week later and we went to the boy scouts instead of making an entire day of driving to our favorite tree farm.

It felt like such a relief to load a tree in our car after looking for thirty seconds and drive the .4 miles to our house. We looked, purchased and had it up and pretty much assembled within one hour. That felt good. Oh, tree farm I do love you and your tractor rides and cute little shop- not sure if I will be returning until my children can cut the tree down for me though.

I usually put a lot of effort into decorating my mantel and displaying my Christmas cards. Finally about 3 days ago I snipped some holly from my parents house and got the candles out, bought a wreathe (now only $9) to hang above the mantel, and things look good.
I purchased outdoor lights about 7 weeks ago. Mind you I had an electrician install an outside outlet in August so I could put up lights this year. The whole exterior light decoration thing lacking at my house has been bugging the crap out of me. My husband doesn’t do things for Christmas decor so I knew it was up to me. I passed those unopened boxes for 4 weeks. Today in 22 degree, blue sky but freezing cold weather I put up the lights and am damn glad.

My wrapping is complete, tomorrow is a day for making my favorite cut-out cookies, having Christmas dinner with very close friends, and super excited to see Min man get crazy for Christmas. It took me awhile but I am back, Christmas old friend. Thing is that since I started later this year, I won’t want to launch my Christmas tree out the front door 2 days after Christmas because I am sick of looking at it. I will enjoy its presence (gasp) maybe even after January 1. My red lights outside may just stay lit until Valentines Day.

This Christmas procrastination idea might just make my holiday loving self love the holidays even more. Hand me my 25th day of December mimosa and cinnamon bun. I am ready!

ICLW Speed Dating IV

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Welcome all. Thanks for visiting.
Take a look around. I am an adoptive mom to a beautiful and hilarious 2 year old, freelance writer, and founder of the non-profit, Parenthood for Me.org.

Here are 25 random facts about me in two minutes. If you like what you hear, stick around.
Check out PFM Best Post list on the right side bar.

1. My favorite holiday is Christmas.
2. My least favorite holiday/event is New Years Eve.
3. I have made some pretty stupid mistakes when it comes to cooking and preparing food.
4. I am a REALTOR and manager of my father’s business, established 1971.
5. I lived in Siena, Italy and Granada, Spain for a semester each.
6. My grandparents moved away from our hometown and I was able to visit Prescott, AZ and Marco Island, FL for many fun summer vacations.
7. I just started wearing make-up daily about a year ago.
8. I am very sappy and sentimental. It does not take much for me to cry although I do try to hide it.
9. I have a dry sense of humor. I actually think I am pretty funny, a quality that I have always admired in other people. One-liners are my favorite part of comedy.
10. I have 2 best friends from grade school.
11. My parents have been sweethearts since they were 16.
12. I love Italian food and prefer meals that are meatless.
13. I am of Irish and German decent.
14. In my CD player: Atonement Soundtrack, Christmas tunes mix, new Phish, favorite mix with Bruce Springsteen, Ray Charles, and BNL to name a few
15. Favorite line from movie Christmas Vacation: “Are you surprised, Clark?” asks Cousin Eddie.
“Eddie, I wouldn’t be more surprised if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet.”
16. Favorite movies: Atonement, P.S. I Love You, The Departed, The Bourne series and others.
17. Mentors in my life- my mother and father. Both very honorable and successful people and parents.
18. I have one older brother.
19. My birthday is in February.
20. I took piano lessons for 10 years and was a dancer for 5, becoming a pointe ballet dancer after many dreams as a little girl.
21. I taught myself sign language from a book at age 3.
22. I am generally a tidy person and despise clutter. This is something I get from my mother. I have been known to throw away things that got me into big trouble with certain individuals.
23. I used to be painfully shy.
24.I am smart but a horrible student. I procrastinate way too much and am a horrible at multiple choice tests.
25. I believe that we all have control over our own destiny. Life is what you make of it.

Show and Tell 12.16.09

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Here are pictures of some of my favorite Christmas decorations and ornaments.

I love vintage ornaments.

I display them different ways. This milk glass bowl was my grandmother’s.

These are hand made by a family member. They are vintage 1,000 Islands, NY postcards.

I love Len.ox. My Christmas collection started with a beautiful hand painted plate of Santa’s sleigh. This Santa was a present last year.
Hubby started getting me an ornament every year. I have the “new house” “the wedding” a train, gingerbread man.

Finally 3 Christmas’ ago I received the”baby’s 1st Christmas”


These shelves usually have pottery and pictures on them. I love looking at something different.

Also handmade by same person.
This is a picture of my grandmother and her brother circa 1928.

My MIL made us this advent calendar. It is a tradition in her family. Through the years some of the ornaments have been changed. The best addition was a stocking for Min Man.
Happy Holidays!
Check out the rest of Show and Tell.