Lately it has struck me just how profound of an affect infertility has had on my life. Slowly as more time passes I see more clearly that after all I went through, and continue to struggle with, I am going to be okay.

I had a set back a couple of weeks ago with the smothering news of 3 pregnancies in one day. I was taken aback and all of my sad and angry emotions bubbled to the surface without warning. I could not control the tears- I felt the mack truck hit my heart. I cannot make babies, and so many others can. I could not shake off this news. I have been so much better with taking news of pregnancy in stride. But, this day proved that I have a long way to go before I am at peace with my infertility.

I read about someone who found out she was pregnant after a long struggle, and people were telling her she needed to move on from the past-she is pregnant now. However, this woman says she will never feel the same; infertility has changed her forever. I am always aware that I am an adoptive mom. No one else is reminding me of that except myself. Ultimately I am very proud to be an adoptive mom. I am proud of how my family was created. But, I am acutely aware of how long I desired to be a mom.

If the first pregnancy test I took five and a half years ago came back positive, my life would be so completely different. I would be 30 with at least 2 small children. I would probably be living in a different house, and I know I would not be writing. My love for writing began when I was just a small child. Through the struggle of infertility I have rekindled my passion for writing. Now posting my thoughts and emotions have become part of my everyday life. I have become a freelance writer. I see great things on the horizon for my writing career, and I am extremely fulfilled because I am able to write and express myself. My blogging has also introduced me to so many interesting and wonderful people. I have laughed, cried, and learned so much over the past year.

I have been a business person for quite a while but starting the non-profit has helped me to find my niche. There are so many things I love about running a business- non-profit and for profit. The idea that I can be part of something that will hopefully help many people is thrilling. I am not doing this alone by any means. It was my idea, but I have so many wonderful people volunteering their time because they believe in our mission statement. They believe that everyone is entitled to parenthood.

Right now I have my hands full with my career, home life and being a mom to one very busy two year old. I would not be physically able to make Parenthood for Me successful if I had more children. This is what I mean by saying I can see how things are supposed to work out. The story is not written by any means. Sometimes I fear the unknown. What else am I to face in my lifetime that is devastating and completely unfounded? This is why I try not to take things for granted. Life can change in an instant.

Infertility made me grow up faster. Turning 30 made me realize that life is a huge challenge. There are so many rewards coupled with difficult situations and decisions to make. Like many I have goals for my life in 5 years, 10 years, etc. But, the perpetual planner in me has been left somewhat jaded. We can plan all we want, but that does not mean our plans will come to be. Or if they are realized, they may take on a completely different meaning or happen in an unexpected way. I can live with that too.

Wow. This is big for me. Learning that planning my entire life is not always best and being enlightened, even if it just a little bit, that after all that infertility has put me through, my life is actually better because of it. I guess that is all we can ask for in life. When there are tough times, days and weeks that make you want to hide from humanity, keep the faith. Somehow if we own our challenges and stay strong, we will make it through.

My Show and Tell is about our Elf on the Shelf. If you haven’t heard of this little game, click here.
I have not been paid to endorse this product; I am simply spreading Christmas cheer. The Elf is an ingenious idea.

There is a story of a little elf that comes down from the North Pole to stay in your home in order to help Santa watch over the children. Every day he inexplicably moves to a different location in the house to let everyone know he is magical and is always watching.

Another great part of the game is that the child is allowed to name their Elf friend. Ours was named after a dear friend; they were honored.

We have explained to Elf that it is probably best that he keeps his jet setting to one room as Min man is only 2, and we would be waiting forever for him to spot the Elf.

It is quite a joy to come downstairs early in the morning and watch our little boy’s face light up as we ask, “Where is he?”

“Right there!!!”

Honestly, Min man doesn’t really get just how important Elf’s job is. Next year Mommy and Daddy are looking forward to Elf helping us out when someone decides to throw a fit or jump on the couch 😉

No, the candle is not lit!

Check out the rest of Show and Tell.

It is duly noted that a 2 year old is going to repeat anything he hears. This is not a surprise to me. What is a surprise is where he comes up with some of the things he says. Min man is pulling out some long sentences these days, and I am still not quite over the shock of hearing him talk more.

What I love is that his pronunciation is still incorrect, making his words all the more cute.

The other day we got our Christmas tree aka Cranberry Tree. I tried to correct him, but he is satisfied with Cranberry Tree.

My other fave, which he intermittently says correctly now (sigh) is bargage truck.
“Look, Mom. Bargage.” When he was with his caretaker, MommyL one day at the grocery store, she was trying to correct him by enunciating the sounds. He ended up yelling Gar-Bitch Truck very loudly in the store. This is like the time he used to say f*ck for truck and would yell in the parking lot,”Look! A f*uck.” MommyL puts up with a lot. I love her.

This brings me to a latest zinger. Expression and communicating are keys developmental milestones at 2 and 3. We are happy Min man is doing well. Sometimes too well if you ask me.

At 6 o’clock Mommy and Daddy turn off Min TV and watch the news. The other night this did not going over too well. He marched right up to the TV cable box, clicked the button off (b/c he does not know how to use the remote), turned around and said,”NO show. I don’t like a mommy-daddy show.”

We were hiding our laughter behind pillows and by turning our head. It just completely surprised us. Classically funny.

There has been an occasional slip up with a swear word around here. I won’t say who is at most fault for this in our household. The funny thing is that Min man knows how to use the words in context. He will go weeks without saying a bad word, and then out of the blue he will will recognize a situation where it might come in handy. This is usually after he has been told he is doing something wrong. Kids shouldn’t swear, but I cannot at least say he knows how to fire them off.

The other endearing thing about my little chatter box is he has adapted a very cute way of speaking which reminds me of someone who speaks English as a second language.

This usually comes out in his whiny voice when he is unhappy or cranky about something.

“I don’t like a no car ride (lots of emphasis on the last word).”

” I don’t like a no change diaper.” (oh, I love it)

“I don’t like a no nap.”

Ah, the ramblings and rants of an almost 3 year old. He is really learning to express himself; that is for sure.

On the flip side, he is extremely loving and happy. The second we walk in the door, “Hi, Dad.” All smiles.

“Mom, what you doing here?” When I’m brushing my teeth.

I have recorded many of the things he says on a regular basis that melt my heart. I never want to forget how cute his little voice sounds.

When he is a defiant teen-ager who never wants to spend any time with me, I can look back and remember that he really does love me.

I will never forget how he shoves his little body in the chair next to me, puts his arm around me and says,”C’mon dear.”

Three years have passed since my final IVF came back negative. Three years have gone by since we drew a line in the sand and made the decision to come to terms that pregnancy was not in our plan. Christmas was ruined that year. Emotions were so raw that I was on the verge of tears practically every moment of every day.

January and February were filled with numb despair.

The one good thing was that my broken body could repair itself. My lower back was numb for nearly a year. The 4 years of shots had done some real damage. I wondered if the feeling would ever return, in my lower back and my heart.

The decision to pursue adoption was exciting and scary. It took us many, many months to actually move forward and make a commitment to an agency. We made the decision and let it sink in. We were overwhelmed with an entire new set of decisions about facing our fears of making the right choice on a country, agency, and financing.

That summer I did one last IUI. Don’t know why really. I guess it was a last ditch effort, a way to prove to myself that my body really is broken and the negative IVF wasn’t another piece of bad luck.

I have to take Lovenox shots because of anti nuclear antibodies. They hurt, sting, and are very uncomfortable. Yet again timing was not on my side, and I was on my 2ww during a great friend’s wedding. I remember sneaking away to take my shot and seeing a bruise on my abdomen the size of a football- a purple football. I had bruising before, but this was ridiculous. My entire abdomen was a blood filled mess. In a sense I felt like it was a lesson.

We had said we were done with the failed IVF, and I had to go and try one more time. It is so hard to say there will never be ONE more try.

The negative pregnancy test that followed a week after the wedding was not a surprise, and it did not leave me with heaving sobs or a bigger sense of loss. It was just like hearing everyday news- the bills are paid, put the garbage out, the car needs to go to the shop, your final IUI did not work. Everyday news. 4 1/2 years will do that to you.

As many of you know our experience with adoption breathed new life into our beings and relationship. The entire proces from beginning to end was remarkable and magical. This time 2 years ago was extremely exciting as pictures of our baby boy were posted every where- house, office, family’s refrigerators. It was our first Christmas to receive gifts for OUR baby.

Min Man has been home for a year and a half, and here we are experiencing our second Christmas with him home. Every day is a new adventure. Over Thanksgiving we got to see Min Man take care of his little cousin- a boy who is 15 months old. It was wonderful to see him in the big brother role. He is so loving and affectionate. Even though there was some tugging and pulling of his toys in an attempt to not share, he came around quickly and played very well with this little boy visitor.

How will Min Man become a big brother? I believe wholeheartedly it will happen. And from all that I have learned in the past five years, I feel at peace knowing that there are great things for my future.

If I had the money, I would do IVF again. If I had the money.

We have spent $50,000 to have a family. It is upsurd. But, I am mentally and physically ready to try it one more time. We did IVF 3 times but b/c of undiagnosed conditions, only really had a fighting chance on the last cycle.

I suppose that we could figure something out if we decided to go ahead with IVF. But, after adopting the game has changed. One IVF cycle is nearly half the cost of a second adoption. How can I justify paying $9000 for a chance? A chance that has not proven to work out well for us by any means.

This is why I hate infertility. I mean, I hate a lot of things about infertility, but the money obstacles are what really make me bitter. Lack of money is why I might not be able to get pregnant? Money is why I may not be able to adopt again? I want to fill my house full of children, but I can’t. I do not have enough money!

Alas, this is something I have accepted. What choice do I have? The decisions we make right now regarding spending money on infertility or adoption could affect our ability to pay for college for our children. We must be conservative about the size and value of our home. We may have loan payments for our babies for many years to come. This is our truth.

I guess IVF is a possbility. The biggest question I have is whether I want to open up my heart again. I know I will recover if it does not work. But, will I sorely regret having spent the money? That will be what makes me the most angry- that I got sucked into ART again and not only will have subjected my body to the abuse, but my bank account, and most of all my heart.

This is kind of a rambling post, which is unlike me, but this reveals how torn I am. What a difficult decision. Whatever we decide, we will keep it to ourselves. The one thing I am beyond is sharing any procedures with others. I simply cannot put my heart on the line in front of everyone anymore when it comes to this.

I will put my heart on the line for others by telling my story of past infertility treatments, current thoughts on dealing with the chronic condition of infertility, the wisdom I have gained through experience, and the moments I cherish being a mother.

But, any chance of pregnancy for me and any decision made to pursue pregnancy with an RE will remain private. I will rejoice in private or I will mourn in private, and find a way to move on again.

Please visit Steph in the City for more ideas on holiday shopping and budgeting.

I usually start Christmas shopping in September. I look for deals on items and make an excel spreadsheet to track what I have bought for whom. This allows me to at least try not to go overboard. This year I am being the most conservative ever when it comes to spending money. And, I am especially going for quality not quantity. I have a hard time buying one really nice item for someone.

Remember that Parenthood for Me offers some great items to purchase for gifts, and the net proceeds of your purchase go toward the endowment. Click here.

Buy our signature hairclip. Comment on this blog to purchase a clip. $6.00
Only 8 remaining.

PFM official tshirt.

Slogan says, ” Help make a difference. Help to start a family.”

$15.00

Sizes- Baby/toddler 6-12 months, 18-24 months, 2T, 3T

Adult- S,M, L, XL

Our bumper sticker – $3.00

Artwork for Building Families Notecards

$12.50 for ten cards and envelopes. Cards are blank inside.

There are black and white images. Here are two examples. There are five images total.

Landscape Art. 5 images total.

Watercolors done by our favorite third graders at The School at Columbia University. 10 images total.

http://www.parenthoodforme.org/. Your purchases and donations are a tax write-off.

Consult your tax professional.

The infamous Willow Series. I am not a big collector of things, but I wanted one to have for myself. I bought this for someone else’s baby shower but decided to stow it away at the last second.

This is from a Gallery in one of my favorite places, Key West. My MIL bought it for my birthday when she asked me what I would like. It reads at the bottom, “Someone to Watch Over Me.”

I love antiquing. My mother and I found these in Ontario, Canada. I asked her to give them to me when we were ready to have our baby. She wrapped them up for Christmas the year we were waiting for Min Man to come home.

When I imagined getting pregnant, I thought of people taking extra care of me, watching out for me because I was carrying a growing child. I thought of all the cute maternity clothes I would buy and how I would get compliments about how beautiful I looked. I have no way of knowing exactly how “cute” I would look, but I know I would have fun putting on my first maternity pants (yea, no buttons) and shirt.

I imagined my husband doting on me, getting out of some house work, and having my mom take me out shopping to buy newborn outfits and booties. We would put the sonogram picture on the fridge and get one of those little kits for imprinting the newborn’s hands and feet.

As I was around more and more pregnant women, unable to get pregnant myself, these images of attention on the mommy-to-be, the coddling became real. I have no idea if pregnant women really like the spotlight they’re under for 10 months, but when you cannot have it, it looks quite appealing.

During the really tough years I just could not force myself to ask a pregnant woman questions about her pregnancy- names, nursery decor, her feelings on being pregnant. I could not stick around for the answers because a lump would form in my throat as soon as I sucked myself into the conversation. I may have seemed cold to some people. To this day I have a hard time holding newborns and young babies. First it does not come naturally to me, but it is also painful to see the brilliance of their being. Their very first days and weeks in this life are miraculous and I am left to wonder what that must feel like as a parent.

As the notion of pregnancy for me faded into a fuzzy image, unreal and unattainable, one of the hardest things was the fact that I would never feel special the way an expectant mother through pregnancy feels. This is before we decided to adopt. This is before I learned the joys of expectancy through adoption.

I dreamed of the day we would surprise everyone with the news of our long awaited pregnancy. I envisioned screeches of joy and being enveloped in suffocating hugs. I saw little wrapped boxes ending up on our doorstep as news of the pregnancy we had waited so long for reached friends and family.

After making the decision to halt medical intervention to conceive all of these dreams piled on top of one another and pushed me into a black hole. The hope I would muster up before each procedure, after each surgery, and each negative pregnancy test ended up deflating like a vacuum sucking the air out of balloon. I had no energy to keep refilling those balloons only to continue to watch them float away.

Infertility levelled the playing field between husband and wife. We were in this pregnancy thing together. After we decided to adopt the steps we needed to take had to be done together. There were no ultrasounds or watching my belly grow, making sure I did not lift heavy things. We signed papers, filled out forms, and figured out financing. My body did not hold any secrets that my husband could not experience. I couldn’t feel the first kick and call him at work.
But I was able to call him when I received the phone call we would be having a boy. We cried over together finally feeling like our dreams would be fulfilled.

Waiting for our son to come off the plane to be together as a family, we stood side by side taking in all the sounds and sights of the bussling airport. Equally we were 2 people ready to enter the realm of parenthood, and even though we were probably thinking different thoughts and feeling different emotions, I am positive we felt extremely happy, a little nervous and love- lots of love.

Experiencing infertility and then adoption forced us to investigate parenthood with a magnifying glass. We each had to deal with big questions about becoming a parent. We had to come to terms with our personal challenges and ultimately come together on those thoughts and feelings.

Waiting for our son to come home allowed my husband and I to feel special together and equally. Together we planned for our new life as parents to a beautiful little boy. We did receive those little boxes and bags with tokens of love inside for us and our son. What I had been imagining all those years may not have looked exactly the same, but the gifts we received through adoption were and are more than I could have ever dreamed.

I am so grateful:

1) For my son who makes me laugh all day lon

2) My job and home

3) My sense of humor

4) People in my life who love me no matter what

Have a very happy and peaceful Thanksgiving holiday.