Author: Erica

Erica Founder of Parenthood for Me, adoptive mom, writer.

Grant Cycle 2011

Parenthood for Me is now accepting grant applications for the 2011 grant cycle.
We ask that you please read the FAQ page before requesting an application.
Click here to read specifics about each type of grant.
Deadline is May 1, 2011.
*Please note that you cannot apply for both a medical grant and an adoption grant from Parenthood for Me in the same grant cycle.

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PFM is thrilled that so many people across the country are aware of our mission.

We look forward to awarding more grants in July of this year.

Please keep in mind that without the help of donations we cannot continue to offer grants to prospective parents. Any donation, no matter how small makes a difference.

Click here to reach our donation page.

You can help in other ways as well.

We will assist you in holding a fundraiser in your community.

If you have someone in mind who may be interested in a Partnership Package (sponsorship opportunity) with Parenthood for Me, please email us- info@parenthoodforme.org

We are a 501 c(3) tax exempt charity.

Donations are tax deductible.

“What a difference it makes to come home to a child.”

-Margaret Fuller

Revisiting Old News

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Last week as I drove to work it hit me like a punch to the gut- I can’t have a baby. I will never get pregnant. I will never create a child with my husband. I will never know what that is like.

How after six years of dealing with why this does my brain continually seem to blank out? How does this already-known fact pop into my head as if for the first time? Why do I have to keep reliving this very painful news over and over and over again?

Infertility for most people leaves an open wound because one is constantly having to revisit their pain. My husband and I have never been told that we cannot conceive. I have not lost my tubes, he has viable sperm- the bottom line is that it could happen. It’s just that the odds are stacked heavily against us. We are not able to move on mentally and emotionally because the possibility is still there, even if it is small.

Because of our age we are surrounded by people who are having children. Even though my own grief has subsided substantially since becoming a mother, I still have extremely difficult moments. Every time I hear of a pregnancy my insides ache. My heart hurts. It may only last a few moments, but the pain always comes.

I realize that until my peer group is out of child-bearing years and onto raising adolescents and teen-agers I will have to continually fight my own grief. I feel separated from my peer group because I cannot have a family in the traditional way. I cannot relate to sonograms, finding out the sex of the baby, seeing the baby grow, birth stories, and holding your newborn baby. These conversations elude me, and I will never be able to fully particpate nor understand what all those things feel like.

It hurts.

“Having” children or reproducing is such a primal thing. It’s in our flesh and bones. Carrying on our genes, creating children with a spouse is part of human existence. When you cannot fulfill that very expected and natural desire, there is a huge sense of loss. It is a loss that has taken a piece of me with it. It is a loss that has impacted my entire life- some ways are good and some are very challenging.

When that feeling of complete and utter solace and heartache comes over me, I focus on what I do have. Being a mother to Min is such an amazing experience. And those who are not adoptive parents could never understand what life is like for my husband and I. We love and adore him like any parent loves their child, but the way we became a family is different and unique.
And no matter how much my heart hurts over never experiencing pregnancy, I will never have regret because this difficult path has led me to a motherhood I never would have imagined.

But grief and loss are a part of life. Each day is a challenge for many different reasons. We all have difficult things to deal with in our lives. Focusing on the beautiful moments, the precious time with my growing boy, and appreciating that although life is hard, it is a gift help me to get by.

Infertility is one part of my life. It has closed some doors for me but created an infinite number of rare and wonderful opportunities. Knowing this does help me get through the difficult days. Although I feel sad at times, I am full of great joy because I have the opportunity to be the mother to my son.

Factor In

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Infertility is a couples’ condition, and can be attributed to either partner. Once considered purely a “female problem,” infertility science has historically placed little emphasis on the role of the male. Approximately 1/3 of infertile couples have a purely male-factor cause, 1/3 are related to the female, and another third are infertile due to combined male and female factors.
Here is a look at the experience of infertility from a male’s perspective.
Thank you to *Sam and his wife for sharing their story.
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Infertility is one of the most difficult obstacles I have ever had to face. It afflicts so many, but yet it seems like so few because it is terribly isolating and painful to experience first hand. I’m writing this with hope that someone will be able to identify with my experience and find the strength to tackle infertility head on and know that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. My wife and I struggled with infertility for years, and I am happy to say that we have a positive outcome; we are now proud parents of a little boy from South Korea. Plus, we have been matched with another little boy that we expect to come home early next summer! To say that adoption has changed our lives for the better would be a profound understatement.

I’m getting ahead of myself a bit; I’ll start at the beginning. My wife and I went through several rounds of fertility treatments, which is to say that we have been poked and prodded to the point where we felt like cattle being hustled through the system. I’ll never forget my first trip to the andrology lab for a “male work-up.” That makes it sound much more glamorous than it actually is. You sit in a cold, clinical waiting room where you feel everyone’s eyes burning holes in you while you wonder if they know what you are about to do back there. Fortunately, after the first time it gets much easier. After a couple of cycles, you end up walking in there like you own the joint.

“Hey Linda, good to see you again, but hopefully this is the last time.”

We started with intrauterine insemination’s (IUI) complemented with clomid and ovidrel. This process is like an arms race with infertility, gradually escalating until one of you blinks. For us this first step is where things started getting complicated. It started with a cyst on my wife’s ovary (not uncommon with clomid). She was in extreme pain both physically and emotionally and we waited for it to resolve itself. When we started back up, we tried a natural IUI (no drugs), and got pregnant! Unfortunately, we miscarried after just six days.

Unbeknownst to us, my wife had a silent case of raging endometriosis that came roaring to life with the introduction of clomid. Very quickly our focus shifted from growing our family to bringing my wife back to health. This was awful. Infertility is a strain on your relationship as it is; you really have to be a team and rely on one another for support. The emotional roller coaster of hope and despair can be debilitating. When my wife started showing severe symptoms of endometriosis, it was almost too much. First it was infertility, then the miscarriage, now this. We had a lot of guilt, mostly because we didn’t listen to out gut instincts. We jumped right to the drugs. It is so easy to get caught up in the statistics and how adding this or doing that can increase your chances. Needless to say, it was a very trying time for us.

The pain got so bad that two or three days a month my wife would be in bed in unbelievable agony. That was torture for both of us- obviously physically for her, but it was incredibly difficult for me to stand there helpless watching the love of my life writhe in agony. This went on for several months before my wife finally had laparoscopic surgery to clean out the disease. Her doctor said it was one of the worst cases of endometriosis that he had ever seen. This was when we started considering what we were willing to risk to have a baby, and when we started to realize what we really wanted was to be parents.

Our doctor said that our only meaningful chance of conceiving a biological child was to pursue in vitro fertilization. Unlike so many, the money wasn’t a problem for us because my wife’s insurance would cover three rounds of IVF. But the more we researched the procedure and the powerful drugs it entailed, the more we realized that it just wasn’t worth the risk to my wife’s health. I just couldn’t stand to see her struggle with the bouts of pain from that god-awful disease again. No, it wasn’t worth it to me to face that again.

The decision to adopt was hard for me initially. I had virtually no exposure to adoption so it was difficult for me to wrap my brain around at first. My moment of clarity came one night after work when my wife and I attended an information session hosted by a local non-profit on international adoption. I still remember the couple that spoke- the father was rugged and sported long hair and tattoos, and the mom was pleasant and petite- an ordinary family that you could find in just about any town across the country. I remember how he described their struggle with infertility, how they made the decision to adopt, and then finally about when their son came home. He got choked up, and I could just feel the love in his voice as he continued on about how happy they were to be a family. I still get emotional thinking back to that night and their story. I read all the books, articles, webpages, etc. relating to infertility and adoption, but this guy was what finally broke through to me. To me all of the information out there seems to be focused on the female experience. I guess as men, we’re supposed to be rocks and just suck it up. I think what makes infertility such a painful struggle is that the ability to reproduce is one of the most basic elements of life. When it doesn’t work, it really shakes you to the core.

When we finally made the decision to adopt, we didn’t do it begrudgingly, or thought of it as a back-up plan. It actually was a relief. We felt a tremendous weight lift off our shoulders because we now had a plan and could focus on building our family and not risk my wife’s health in a desperate struggle with an uncertain outcome.

We found a great agency that works exclusively with South Korea. The information gathering process for the application was daunting, but we had a renewed sense of resolve. We were matched to a little boy a couple of weeks after we completed our home study, and our son came home just 6 months after that on Christmas Eve! Our wait was exceptionally difficult because it turned out to be twice as long as we had initially expected. The wait is tough. You can only rearrange the nursery, and double-check your inventory of onsies so many times. But when that travel call finally comes, it sets in- your child is coming home! All of our impatience and pain transformed instantly to excitement and joy. Looking back, I can now unequivocally say that infertility has had a positive impact on my life, and I bet my wife would say the same thing too.

I often think back to that night of the information session and wonder if that guy has any idea just how profound the impact of his story has been in my life. I understand now how happy they were and how blessed we are to have our son in our lives. I tend to be an optimist in life, and believe that struggle and pain help us appreciate all of our blessings. I thank God for infertility because without it I wouldn’t have my son, nor would I have the same perspective on life and just how sweet the words “love you dada” sound.

Along our journey, when we encountered particularly disappointing news, we found strength from others who had been through this and come out the other side. Their experiences and outcomes provided us with the hope and strength we needed to continue forward. I know how hard this, but keep the faith; it really is worth every single tear that falls along the way.

I would like to give a big thank you to Erica for her hard work and vision, without which Parenthood For Me would not exist. It truly is an amazing organization. Thank you too for allowing me to share my story.

*name changed for privacy

Misunderstanding Miscarriage

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Awhile back I wrote a post called Misunderstanding Miscarriage.
I am attempting to write another post on the subject and would love your input.

Often times miscarriage is dismissed and not recognized as a significant loss. Did you experience this? Or did you feel support from those in your life?

Many times people to know what to say to a couple who has experienced miscarriage. They either say nothing at all or something that seems insensitive.

What is helpful to those experiencing loss from miscarriage?

I would love to hear from you.
Email me: info (at) parenthoodforme (dot) org

Human Kindness

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In the spirit of the holiday season
please take a minute to read this very touching article.
It is an affirmation that love, kindness, and tolerance do change our lives.
I could not get through it without crying.
Click here for article.

A New Chapter

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The first blog I authored was named “The Fine Print.” Starting that journal changed my life. After AJ and I decided to adopt I wanted a place to log our journey to parenthood. Eventually the posts became a place to educate on infertility and adoption. Then I found myself pouring out entries about the prior 3 years and all the heartache.
Because “The Fine Print” found its way onto computers of those I didn’t know, I felt I had an obligation to continue telling our story- the good, bad and ugly.

The fact that I could write something and give support to another person made me feel useful. It made me feel like my struggles meant something. This all led to the development of Parenthood for Me.

Ideas evolved. The plan unfolded.

I decided to close “The Fine Print” because that chapter of my life was over. I also wanted to protect my son from the exposure of the internet. I chose to tell my story but his story is his to tell. It was hard to end my first blog but PFM was born and I had a new and exciting place to log my thoughts, experiences, and stories of others.

Two years later I find myself in the same position. I will never forget when I found Stirrup-Queens, Weebles Wobblog and countless other blogs. This community has been my saving grace. Without the support of THE blogroll and those who have read my posts, forwarded links, donated to PFM, and commented our organization would not have grown so rapidly. My admiration is in abundance for all of the men and women who have supported Parenthood for Me. My cup runneth over.

However, it is time for Parenthood for Me to stand on its own. My story is no longer what PFM needs but the stories of hundreds of people we will help. Their stories, your stories are what will make people stand up and take notice of PFM’s mission- to build families.

This blog will always be here as a forum for education, support, news, and stories. Keep us on your blog roll, remain a follower, forward our link. PFM’s blog will simply take on a new format with great things in store like guest authors, a co-author, giveaways, and all the exciting things that our charity will be able to do for people out there who need help.

I will still be around writing about my own experience with adoption, infertility, motherhood and life. Please visit my new blog- Motherhood Meets Me.

I have yet to put up the first post. But, please become a follow and put me on your blog roll. I don’t want to miss out any of your stories and I look forward to beginning this new chapter of my life with your support.

Thank you for reading. And thank you for continuing to support Parenthood for Me and following. My dream of making a difference in the lives of those who simply want to be parents or have the family they desire would have dissipated without you.

It takes a village to do a lot of things in life.

Merry Christmas. May you find peace wherever you are in life.

Erica

Oreos or Maternity Pants

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When my 3 year old tells me we have to go the “the Tar.get” every time we are in the car, you know I have a problem shopping at this very appealing retail center way too much.

I have tried other stores like Marsh.alls and Wal.mart, but there just is not the same happy feeling from the brightly colored decor and many different departments where I can indulge in new underware, shoes, holiday housewares, and snacks. What an ingenious concept. I understand the rules of marketing. I am not oblivious to the reason why retailers put end-caps at the register with batteries, gum, water, and hand sanitizer– last minute purchases that we think we must have.

That being said I know that Tar.get is “targeting” women as their number one consumer. This is why the purses, scarves, and clothing are positioned in the first section of the store. After entering the double automatic doors and forging past the $1.00 section of goodies with way too much stuff I don’t need, I should go against the grain and turn right- roll by where the shampoo and greeting cards make their humble home.

It never happens.

Today I went in to buy area rugs for my back door. Two mornings in a row of stepping in freezing cold, watery puddles left by my husband’s boots in my half awake bare feet are enough for me. This should have been an easy 10 minute trip. Yeah. I don’t even lie to myself anymore.

“You’re just going to buy the rugs and get the hell out of there.”

Nope. I knew that I would do some Christmas shopping for those on my list and for the things on my own list like a cute shirt, decorations, or cookies.

Anyway, the point of my story is that I always look at the clothes when I patronize “the Tar.get.” Today was no different. I take my too-big-shopping cart for the one item I am supposed to be buying and wrestle my way through the clothing aisles. Luckily I did not see anything too appealing. Of course, I could have bought something. C’mon that ruffled pink shirt is so cute. New Years? Maybe?

I find myself in the Maternity section which happens to run right into the women’s clothing section. What? Is that a given? You’re a woman so you might need to buy maternity clothes someday? Bah.

The funny thing is that I didn’t stomp on the breaks like I usually do and jet out of there, smoke coming off the wheels of my cart. “Must get out of the prego section.”

I kept going. I even looked at the maternity pants and shirts and thought maybe I should buy something “just to keep tucked away.” I pondered this thought for maybe 3 seconds when I snapped back to reality and said to myself,” Have I lost my mind?”

It’s almost like the past 6 years of non-pregnancy torment vacated from my body like an alien invasion of the brain. E. T. are you there? ( E.T. is the most non-threatening alien I can think of.)

Here comes the nostalgia. There was a day when, being the type-A personality, big-time planner that I am, I would have bought a cute maternity shirt to keep safe for when I was expecting. Oh to be 25 again and naive. My younger self never spent one second of thought that having a baby would be such a mind altering, life changing cluster that it has been.

I say cluster in good taste. As much as IF has been the worst experience of my life, it has given me so much that I would never, ever take back. I know that this circumstance was supposed to be part of my life. That isn’t b.s. either. I really believe that.

Maybe I should have bought the cute maternity dress. Putting it away in my attic with the spring clothes might not be such a bad thing. What does it represent? Hope?

Our minds have the distinct ability to infiltrate thoughts without our conscious knowledge that inflect and project what could be. It is our psyche and personality that have the ability to deflect these instinctive thoughts and talk ourselves out of possibility.

If the snacks were the first aisle of the store, I probably would have bought a package of Oreo’s, found my rugs, and left the store without having a moment where, for one instant, I saw my future pregnant self shopping as I always do but this time for two.

Welcome and Perfect Moment Moday

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Please read about my perfect moments. And for more perfect moments visit

There are some exciting times at PFM. Read about our first grantee success story

Yesterday was a special day for PFM board member, Jerry Furciniti. Jerry and his wife Laura are adoptive parents to a boy from S. Korea. The family was invited by Kevin Boss, a NY Giants tight end to attend a game and go out to dinner afterwards. This is the third year Kevin Boss has hosted the giving thanks contest. Read more about the contest here. Below is the email that Jerry sent to Kevin regarding what he is thankful for.

Kevin,

Thanks so much for hosting this again this year. You’ve done a lot for your fans, and we appreciate it!

I’m 34 (as of today), and over the past few years, my wife and I have had a remarkable journey. We have struggled with infertility for years. Infertility is an incredibly isolating and painful struggle. As we progressed through our treatments, we found strength and solace in two places- our faith and the amazing people that we have met along the way. Every story is heartbreaking, but the resolve is very inspirational. The struggle to start a family really shakes you to the core- it’s one of the most basic elements of life.

We are now proud adoptive parents of a little boy from South Korea named Evan. Words cannot adequately describe how lucky we are to have him in our lives. When we made the decision to adopt, we felt the tremendous weight lift from our shoulders. I just regret that we waited so long to start the process. Just hear his little footsteps as he runs around the house giggling as I chase him to get the football back, or to hear him say “love you dada” quite literally melts my heart. We were recently matched with our second son, and are now awaiting his arrival into our home; he’s already in our hearts.

I’m thankful that I now have the opportunity to pay our good fortune forward to other couples that are in the same predicament where we were just 18 months ago. I recently started working with a non-profit that provides emotional and financial support to couples working to build their families. I firmly believe that a loving home should be the main prerequisite to start a family, not the tens of thousands of dollars for fertility treatments or adoption. I’m hoping that our story will help others find their resolve and realize that they are not alone.

This summer we handed our our first round of grants to four couples around the country. I just saw the first set of baby pictures last week! What an amazing experience!

Thank you for letting me share my story. Keep up the good work!

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The game was yesterday. We are thinking of Jerry and his family and cannot wait to hear all the details. To read an interview given by Kevin Boss about the contest and Jerry check out Inside Football.
Oh, and please follow this blog. We need all the support we can get!

In Mind, Out Of Sight

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A dream is a smile, a grin from ear to ear.
Invoking happiness, hope, and a sense of meaning.
A dream holds ideas.
For what are we?
Who are we?
Without our dreams.

I often wonder how much infertility has changed me. I know it has brought me to the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. When I think about what my life would be like if having a child had been effortless, I’m content in knowing that my path to motherhood has given me more than I could have imagined six years ago.

One of the most difficult things about a life-changing situation is being forced to reimagine your future. Once I realized that the family I had always envisioned would probably take on a new form, I grappled with what my children would look like, be like, and how many, if any I would have.

I did try to imagine a life without a child. There was a point where I considered this option because we had been through too much pain. Strength and determination to continue trying to conceive were diluted by exhaustion and grief. How many disappointments can one endure? The pregnancy announcement to my parents, the choosing of names, the baby shower, the number of children I longed to have all became fragments of dream I was losing. I began to reimagine my role as a mother to just one child. If only I could be lucky enough to have one baby, then I would be grateful.

After the last failed in vitro procedure, the hope of a pregnancy was gone; we finally conceded to our reality. Biological children would not be possible. I would never get pregnant.

Even though I had been exploring adoption for two years it was at this point that I finally began imagining my life as an adoptive mother. I was happy with this thought. To love a child and take care of them was most important.

Becoming a parent through adoption has been amazing. I have no idea what I would do if my son were not in our lives. Who would I be? He has changed me for the better and enriched my life in such beautiful ways. I am deeply in love with every embrace, giggle, funny comment, and tidbit that make him who he is.

As my son grows older the desire to give him a sibling surmounts. But how will we do it? Unfortunately financing stands in our way. Like most we already spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to become parents. The thought of finding more money that could pay off debt, send our son to college, or go in a retirement fund is perplexing. But I have always said that we can find a way. I never want money to be the reason that we did not fulfill our vision of family.

There is a bit of irony, however that at this point I find that we have several options for family-building. At one point I did not think we had any options at all. Now with the passing of time and the resolution of grief I feel that we have choices for possibly having a second child. Going back to a fertility specialist is an option we have not ruled out. Starting fresh with the diagnoses we worked over two years to discover and a new mind set may just lead us to a successful pregnancy. We are also thinking of a domestic adoption rather than international.

The amazing part is that life is full, and the extreme sense of urgency to have a child that comes with infertility has dissipated. I have let go of the fact that I am older than I would have liked to be when having children. My son will be at least 5 years older than his future sibling. Ultimately I always wanted 3 children, and even though that dream will most likely never happen due to circumstances, the picture in my mind of 3 cute faces staring at me in the rear view mirror just will not fade away.

For those of you reading who struggle daily to reimagine your life as a parent I hope you find some comfort in my words. Reimagining may be difficult but can offer great rewards. Speaking about life in general we all had plans. Looking back as someone in my early thirties I see that the plans that fell through are what have created the most memorable and wonderful parts of my life. This is something I remind myself of whenever I am caught off guard with the emotions of infertility. My journey is not over, and reimagining life keeps the possibilities coming.
*Please leave a comment if you can relate to this post. I always love to hear what readers have to say. Thank you.

Happy ICLW- November

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Welcome to Parenthood for Me. This blog is part of the national non-profit founded in 2008. Our mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those building families through adoption or medical intervention.

Please read the post below to hear about our first baby!

Take a look around. Read PFM Best Posts on the right side bar.

If you are not already a follower please become one! We need help spreading the word of our mission.
Also find us on Facebook- Parenthood for Me.org and twitter.

Also, now that the holiday season is almost here please take a minute to visit Good Search.
Click here for the link. Or check out the top left side bar for search information. Just by shopping on-line (spending money you already intended on spending) you can make a donation to Parenthood for Me.
Look for the section where you can download the toolbar.


GoodSearch: You Search...We Give!

And on a side note:

Yea, you read that right. “Expectant Mother Parking” at my grocery store.

I get the need for this. In fact, it must be kind of nice for tired, expectant moms (through pregnancy). But do you blame me for wanting to ram into this sign some days?

*update: I was notified this morning that my blog made it to the top 50 blogs on this site. Check out the other great blogs.