Yesterday I had to take my dad to the hospital where I started all my infertility treatments. I had not been there in nearly four years. My dad asked me if I knew where the parking garage was. Unfortunately, yes. I drove to that hospital, entered that garage, grabbed my ticket, fought for a parking spot, walked down the steps, through the elevators, and down the long hall to the fertility center way too many times. Sometimes I was there 3 times a week.

There were times I went there filled with hope because we were starting an IUI or gearing up for IVF. But for the most part entering that hospital deflated my soul and brought on a huge wave of sadness. Either I was dreading the painful blood draws or uncomfortable ultrasounds or waiting to hear bad news. There was rarely anything good that came from my visits to that fertility clinic.

I walked down to the lobby where the coffee and bagels are served and remembered sitting in those chairs with AJ waiting for the second half of the IUI or the transfer to happen after IVF. Sitting in that lobby was the only time we were there for something positive to happen. Maybe this time it would work.

I have no idea how many times I went to that hospital over the course of 2 1/2 years; it could be 100. Being there was always a reminder that I could not get pregnant. Often I would see women being wheeled out with their beautiful babies. My already fragile heart took another hit. My average visit there was 45 minutes long. Think about all that time I can never get back. Most times when I left an appointment I already had another one scheduled. My life was bound up in infertility, strangled by the unpredictable schedule of when my body would be ready for an IUI or IVF.

No we cannot go on that weekend getaway, sorry. We have something going on.

I can’t make your rehearsal dinner because my body is so bloated an uncomfortable that I can’t wear anything but sweatpants.

So and so’s baby shower? Uh, I have to work that afternoon.

After my ectopic pregnancy was discovered that hospital became a black hole. It took over 2 months for my pregnancy to fully terminate. I was rushed there one afternoon in excruciating pain fearing I would have to have surgery to lose my tube. My mother drove me and AJ met us there. It was at that time I realized I was done. Something had to change. Mentally and physically that hospital would never provide me with the dream I so longed for.

There will always be some places, some people that invoke memories that are extremely painful. This is the stamp infertility has placed on my life. It is almost like a brand. A painful brand of lost dreams, life changing pain, and soul searching I never thought I would face.

Most times when I had an appointment I had to go alone. Being alone in infertility is probably one of the worst parts. There was always a waiting room full of hopeful women or sometimes already-moms and their toddlers potentially hoping for another child. But I never found comfort in my infertility comrades because I did not want to be there.

I’m sure none of them did either. We were all alone but together in our plight to pummel infertility and live out our dreams.

CNY Fertility and Healing Arts located in Albany, Syracuse, and Rochester combines both Eastern and Western Medicine to help with fertility and mind/body health.

Here are some pictures of their beautiful facility. Walking through the door brings an automatic calm with soothing music, fragrances and a warm atmosphere. The stress of every day life gets turned down about 50 notches which is good for everyone especially those going through infertility.

If you can read this sign, check out their pricing for ART!

Compared to the cold, sterile environment of hospital, CNY Fertility Center feels like zen.

I recently went to CNY Fertility Center here in Rochester for a Maya Abdominal Massage for fertility. Erin was my LMT and qualified practitioner. The room was very relaxing and Erin went over the steps of the massage with me prior to beginning. I am getting sleepy just thinking about the soothing feeling of massage and how it helps the mind, body, and spirit.

A Maya Abdominal Massage is a non-invasive, external message technique. It guides internal abdominal organs into their proper position for optimum health and well-being. Maya massage improves organ function by releasing physical and emotional congestion from the abdomen. Both men and women can benefit from this type of massage.

The following are common symptoms relieved by Maya Abdominal Massage

Women:

• displaced or prolapsed uterus
• painful periods and ovulation
• irregular menstrual cycles and ovulation
• no menstruation at all
• miscarriage or difficult pregnancy
• infertility
• bladder or yeast infections
• endometriosis
• uterine polyps
• painful intercourse
• PMS/ Depression
• ovarian cysts
• peri menopause, menopausal symptoms

Men

• early states of prostrate swelling
• prostatitis
• impo.tency problems
• benign prostatic hyperplasia

Everyone

• headaches/ migraines
• digestive disorders
• Chron’s disease
• frequent urination
• alleviates varicose veins

For more information about Maya Abdominal Massage reference the following books:

“Touching the Core: The Art and Intelligence of Maya Abdominal Massage” by Diane McDonald

“Rainforest Home Remedies: The Maya Way to Heal Your Body and Replenish Your Soul” by Dr. Rosita Arvigo

Tomorrow may be a very painful day for many. I still feel weird about the whole Mother’s Day thing. My son is too young to understand what we are celebrating. I am his mom every day. Tomorrow does not make things any different. This is my third year as a mother. The first year Min man wasn’t home from Korea yet. He was supposed to be home in March and when May came and went, it was hard. My husband gave me a lilac bush and it was nice but I did not feel like I should have been part of the celebration.

I cannot help but think of all those out there who will avoid the topic of Mother’s Day or feel like crawling in a hole because they have to attend a gathering or BBQ. The holiday is a very painful reminder of what infertiles want so badly. There is a special day set aside for mother’s and it is one more thing that makes them feel left out.

I used to hate it when random people would say to me,” Happy Mother’s Day.” One year I had to do an open house on Mother’s Day. I was so angry that I had to be there because if I was a mom the way I had been hoping to be for so many years, I could have said, “Sorry, it’s mother’s day and I will be spending time with my family.”

When I got there, the client wished me a happy mother’s day and my heart sank. I couldn’t muster a thank you. What the heck for? You shouldn’t send well wishes for a holiday that may not pertain to everyone. You can say happy Memorial Day because that is a national holiday that we can all recognize. But I was mad that because I was a woman that I am expected to be a mom.

I will never forget the pain I felt when being reminded once again that motherhood may be unattainable for me. Mother’s Day is a soul smasher for sure. I am thinking of all of you. And, even though I have Min man and may receive another lilac bush tomorrow, I still grieve over many things due to infertility. It has been a process that leaves an impression on my heart whether it is for myself or the countless men and women out there struggling with infertility.

Check out Lori’s for more Perfect Moments.

This may seem very trivial, but when I notice these moments, a smile automatically comes to my face. We are finally getting around to re-doing our downstairs bathroom after nearly 2 years of living in the house. A new light was installed and now I am prepping the walls to paint. (I should do a before and after photo). We are not going overboard on this project because we actually plan on opening up the back of the house for an addition; yeah, we’re playing the lottery weekly.

Anyway, I had to go buy a new towel bar, switch plate cover, towels, and shower curtain. When I was in the bathroom-stuff aisle I noticed the kiddie bathroom supplies such as train toothbrush holders and goofy rugs. As Min man gets older he becomes more independent so I thought it would be nice to give him a little space of his own. I bought a cute monkey toothbrush holder and tumbler just for him. He has his own bathroom to brush his teeth.

These ordinary purchases and decisions sometimes alert my brain to a time when I would have given anything to purchase silly bathroom paraphernalia. I remember walking through many aisles in many stores where so many tangible items were ready to be purchased but simply scoffed at me.

Now as the days pass and different milestones come and go I remain grateful when Min man needs new sneakers and little big-man undershirts like daddy. I try not to spoil Min man. But it also felt good to see a Buzz.Lightyear action figure on clearance and throw it in the cart. He just found this movie and absolutely loves it. Nothing pleases me more than when he says,”Mom, to ‘finity and ‘yond.”

I finally mustered up the courage to watch my spot on Adoption Angles last week. I had some technological difficulties in the beginning to say the least. There was a horrible screeching noise because my volume was turned up on my computer. It took three times for Mel and the viewers to convince me to mute my computer. I did not understand how they could still hear me. LOL. Oh, well. It’s kind of funny.

If you can get through the beginning, here is the link to the show.

Adoption Angles- Parenthood for Me

You will all be able to see what I am really like and hear some things about my personal journey that I have never talked about before.

Thanks, Mel. It was a great experience!

The deadline just passed for the first grant application submissions. We received over 200 requests for applications from all over the country. I do not review the applications so I’m not sure how many came. The recipients will be notified by June 15. I cannot believe that in 18 months time an idea has turned into reality. I am humbled by the emails and phone calls I received from people dreaming of parenthood.

The Family-Building Dinner was a wonderful experience. One of my personal goals for the evening beyond raising money for the endowment was to provide a forum to educate on infertility and adoption. The guests who attended without personal experience left with a better understanding of our non-profit and more importantly, infertility and adoption. I hope that they believe in our cause and will attend next year.

I gave a short speech to thank everyone for making the fundraiser a success. I thanked all of the people who have contributed to making PFM grow so rapidly, for believing in the cause enough to take time out of their busy lives to help. For believing in me. I also gave out the very first Commitment to Excellence Award to our Fundraising Committee Chairman, Kevin Mulcahy. Below is the speech I recited. It was hard for me not to get emotional that night. I admit, I’m a cryer– big time. I choked up a bit but made it through. I felt a lot of different emotions at the dinner, all good.

Thank you to everyone for being here this evening. Your presence and generous donations will make a difference in the lives of those who struggle with infertility and dream of being parents and building their family. We have received nearly 175 requests for applications from all over the country including Utah, California, Ohio, and Florida. Many of the letters thank Parenthood for Me for giving them hope that they too will become a mom and a dad.
Thank you to CNY Fertility and Dr. Kiltz for supporting our efforts. The partnership we are forging will help both of us have continued success in our equal mission to bring affordability to those who need medical assistance to conceive, to support those that need a shoulder to cry on, and to continue to educate on infertility choices for patients including adoption.

Parenthood for Me started as an idea one evening late in 2008. My husband, AJ and I wanted to make a difference in the lives of those who bore the burden of infertility and those who wished to adopt. So I thought of a name, reserved a domain, bought a “how to make it in the non-profit world” book, printed business cards on my computer and started telling everyone I knew that I started a non-profit.

I have met so many wonderful and inspiring people in the past 18 months. I am humbled by the support and respect I have received from people at home and all over the country- many of them strangers who I will never meet face to face.

The board of directors who received a random letter from me asking them to consider volunteering their time for a cause close to my heart, joined in this venture to create an organization that enables the dream of having a family. It has been a pleasure working with all of you and seeing our non-profit grow so rapidly. Your hard work and efforts have allowed me to continue on during those days when I wondered what I got myself into. Some of you have known me since the day I was born and others are new, life- long friends. I will never forget how you have helped me make this dream a reality. And if friends are the family we choose, I must acknowledge the gift of the Mulcahy family for your love and presence in my family’s life.

The Board of Directors has awarded the very first Recognition of Service Award to both Deborah Wittenberg and Beth Brownstein for serving on the original board during the first monumental year of our existence. They could not be here this evening but we greatly appreciate all they did to help establish Parenthood for Me.

Many people advised us not to throw a big fundraiser so early into our venture. But for those of you who know me well, I am pretty determined. I would be remiss if I did not tell everyone that we would not be here today without the dedication and help from my friend and Committee Chairman, Kevin Mulcahy. Through his hard work and determination we were able to put together a lovely event that will raise a significant amount of money and awareness to help those struggling with infertility and those who long to adopt. He has taken on this cause as if he experienced first-hand the hardship of wanting to be a father. I am amazed at his willingness to learn and understand what so many people worry and grieve over every single day.
To my friend and colleague I present you with the very first Parenthood for Me Commitment to Excellence Award.

There once was a time when all I thought of was what infertility had taken away from me- the ability to plan my life, the experience of pregnancy, and the assurance that I would be a mom someday. Now what I think about is all the wonderful things that infertility has given me. I am changed forever and have been given so many gifts to carry with me throughout the rest of my life. I learned that it is not the struggles that we face but what we do with them that alters our path.

Nothing could be more true than the words of Margaret Fuller- “What a difference it makes to come home to a child.”

Thank you again for taking the time out of your busy lives to be here. And when you receive news of the first grant recipients in June, understand that your support played a key role in making that happen. We hope to see you next year with many more wonderful accomplishments and experiences to report.

And, now I would like to share some thoughts and words written to me in emails from people requesting help from PFM. I wish I could help everyone. And I simply cannot believe that we are offering hope to people. I remember very clearly all the times I felt hopeless on my journey to being a parent. If I have been able to instill hope, then I have completed one of my life’s dreams and Parenthood for Me has been a wonderful success. Besides being a mom, working for PFM may just be the most important thing I do with my life.

“Thanks for your help and your support to help people through adoptions and infertility procedures. We have ventured through both and know the challenges that can arise from each.”

“Thank you in advance for this opportunity for us to experience parenthood. It is organizations like you who make our dreams a reality.”

“Thanks for your time, and frankly, your existence.”

“Thank you so much for having an organization such as this for those of us who have unique steps in becoming parents.”

When I am exhausted and unsure whether I can continue to devote so much of my life to PFM, I re-read these emails. I appreciate the sentiment and those who share their stories and thoughts.

As I sit on my couch finishing up this post my beautiful son sits next to me, wraps his arm around my neck and says,”C’mon, dear.” My heart swells at how lucky I am that my life has turned down this path.