Infertility turns your world upside down. Besides your own personal reaction and ability to cope, relationships are the first thing to change and be tested.

For about the first two years we were going through IF we had very little social pressure or stress. As a couple we were dealing with many losses and hard times, but our social circle was not at the stage of trying to conceive. While we had many heartbreaking moments in private they were not exacerbated by friends and family inundating us with pregnancy announcements. In fact, sometimes when I would get a negative pregnancy test, I was a little relieved because of a social event coming up. I was TTC while two friends were planning their weddings. I could have been a very pregnant bridesmaid, but it never happened.

After friends were married things changed. The pregnancy proclamations were made and that’s when our sadness reached a different level. We were now experiencing firsthand the disappointment of wanting something that other people had, a pregnancy. They had the exciting news to share with family and friends, and they reached this milestone with little effort. That hurt a lot. Sometimes it took all of my energy to act normal and smile along with my congratulatory exclamations.

As time went on without a pregnancy social situations became harder. In the meantime I had an ectopic pregnancy and went through a very lonely time full of loss. Baby showers were nearly impossible for me to sit through. I felt like people were always looking at me to see my reaction. I felt like the pink elephant in the room. When one of my good friends had her baby, I was pretty much absent from the event and the first year of her daughter’s life. I did not see the nursery until she turned one. The pain was too much. I felt guilty, but I knew it was self preservation.

When other friends became pregnant, the news was always the hardest. For me it always felt like a punch to the gut. Finding out another person was pregnant really hurt, but after a little while of getting used to the idea, I was able to feel joy for; however, it was coupled with a disturbing sense of loss for myself. It really sucked being the person no one wanted to tell their joyous news of pregnancy. However, I was very lucky to have sensitive friends and family members.

Family events with babies were especially hard for me because I wanted so badly to be the beautiful pregnant mommy-to-be. I envied the attention, the questions people had, and all their excitement. I wanted so badly to give our parents a grand child because they were hurting too. My heart wasn’t completely in tact when babies were born. I felt like a fraud. I smiled on the outside and cried as soon as I was safely by myself. I couldn’t hold the babies. And, even though I have Luv Bug and fall in love with him more everyday, holding a small baby is still difficult for me. I may never know what it feels like to hold my baby the moment they enter the world.

I am grateful that news of pregnancies does not alter my life like it once did. Sometimes I would cry for days upon hearing of another pregnancy. It depended on what stage of TTC I was in. There were times when I was better able to cope. I will admit that I still get a twinge of sadness when I hear of a pending birth. I am at that stage in life where people are building their families, and there are pregnancies popping up everywhere. The second and third babies are a reminder of how difficult it will be for us to have a second child.

The collateral damage of infertility is that relationships are affected. The pain we felt isolated us and made us different. Friends and family wanted so badly to help, but there was nothing to be done. We avoided certain events or cut them short. We offered our congratulations on a pregnancy but would go home and talk about how much it sucked that we couldn’t get pregnant. When my niece was born I know that my SIL felt bad for me! She was a new mommy and she had to worry about how I was feeling. People had to worry about how to tell us they were expecting. We appreciated their sensitivity but it sucked that they had to inform us of their news knowing that it would hurt us and almost downplay their excitement.

Those days are gone. We have our family now. But, it was a long four years. I am thankful that I can be completely there for new babies and their parents. I may not have become a parent the same way, but I am relieved to be able to relate to the excitement and joy they have of being a mommy and a daddy.

The anticipation of waiting for all 200+ people to go through customs (luv bug and his escort among them) was enormous. Every once in a while a baby would come around the corner and my heart leapt out of my chest. Finally over 40 minutes after his plane landed we spotted him. Simply put, it was incredible. I wish I could remember all the emotions, but it is a big blur of relief and happiness and love. Our connection with him was instantaneous because he is an amazing, open, affectionate, and very social boy.

Our first embrace. Magical.

June 4, 2008 we flew into the Rochester Airport. My parents were there, family and friends all waiting to see Luv Bug in the flesh. Everyone who came for the “reveal” had travelled our adoption journey with us; they all loved Luv Bug. This was a big moment for us. For me I was finally able to be a mommy and show off my beautiful son. The four years of waiting to be called Mommy had built up many emotions. I reveled in the instant that we rounded the corner and everyone became visible.
I saw tears streaming down friends faces, cameras going off, balloons, presents. This display of love and affection for AJ and I and Luv Bug was something I will never forget.

A few days ago on June 4 I happened to fly into Rochester around the exact same time of day as a year before. I slowly walked up the terminal waiting to see those glass doors that changed my life forever. Tears welled in my eyes for many reasons- how far we have come as a family, the gratefulness for having found my son, and all the struggles we faced to get to this celebratory point.

Friday night we had a family party for Luv Bug. Nothing big but something to gather together and reminisce about the past year. We all feel the year went by fast, but we also feel that it seems like he has been with us forever. We simply cannot imagine our lives without him.

This is a picture provided by Luv Bug’s foster mother. We are so lucky to have pictures chronicling his life prior to coming home.

We had a few things going against us when we first learned I had PCOS. I have mentioned before that if I could re-do our ART experience, I would do things completely different. Unfortunately, I was only 26 and naive to ART. Our family and friends, as far as we knew, had no experience with ART, therefore we did not have anyone to give us (wanted) advice. In 2004 I didn’t know about message boards and I do not believe blogging was anywhere near as popular as it is today.
In summary, we received the diagnosis of PCOS and MFI but had no outside support or advice. So we trusted our doctors opinions and went directly on to infertility care.

Maybe the following will help someone else as they ponder their diagnosis of infertility and how to proceed:

1. Get a second opinion right away. If your OB/GYN diagnoses you, ask to get a second opinion. When you are referred to an infertility doctor aka Reproductive Endocrinologist, visit them and also get a second opinion from a different doctor (preferrably at a different practice or clinic). With both RE’s go over an action plan for your diagnosis. If you have unexplained infertility, still make an action plan so that you understand all the steps you will take up to a certain point to try and get pregnant. Find out your options. Don’t let the doctor dismiss your diagnosis or unexplained infertility as an easy fix due to age, etc. This is very important to you and sometimes they need reminding of how difficult it is to go through infertility.

2. Your RE should be available to speak with you over the phone. If you are only able to speak with the nurses, it is your right to ask to speak with the doctor. Often times the nurses will not answer questions and say they will call you back after speaking with the doctor. Things become less confusing if you are to speak to the doctor yourself. Write questions down ahead of time. Make sure you feel comfortable about your treatments.

3. Don’t rush into treatments. Take time to think about your action plan and soak in the information. BE INFORMED. As a patient you need to advocate for yourself. You cannot effectively do this without being educated. Go on-line, read books, get on message boards- ASK QUESTIONS. Ask questions of others and ask your doctor tons of questions. That is their job. Make them work for you.

4. When you start treatment such as taking Chlo.mid and you have questions for the nurse or doctor, don’t be afraid to call them three times a day. That is their job.

5. Medications- Generally with IUI’s the medication portion is less confusing. If you undergo in vitro fertilization, there are many different types of medications to take at different points in the cycle. If you need an extra consult on when and how to use each medication, ask for it. Label the packages if necessary. Do anything to make the process less confusing. Some doctors give you a chart. If that doesn’t work for you, make your own guideline or chart to follow as you switch medications and have a timeline until your egg retrieval.

6. Injectables- Ask if you doctor or clinic will do the first injections for you (especially if they are intramuscular which means that the needles are larger and more difficult to inject). For those of us who are not RN’s, MD’s or in the medical field have never given a shot, mixed a medications for the vial or used very large needles on ourselves or others. For me, this portion of treatment was treated lightly and we were not given enough education on how to administer the shots. Luckily my mother is an RN and Nurse Practitioner and we had guidance.

7. With multiple failed cycles or pregnancy loss including miscarriage and/or ectopic pregnancy, this is a time to collect information about your body and why this loss may have happened. It could be an informative way to receive another diagnosis, enhancing your treatment and chance of conceiving. ASK QUESTIONS.

8. Take a break. I know that when you are in the midst of TTC, sometimes the only way to cope with a loss or BFN is to plan for the next procedure. But, I recommend taking a mental and physical break at some point. It was very beneficial for me, and it helped me to feel healthier in body and spirit. Remember it is okay to take a break between cycles. In fact it can change your perspective and give you time to reevaluate if necessary. We all know that taking a vacation does not cure infertility, but taking some time for yourself or to reconnect with your spouse can make coping with the stress easier.

There would be a money trail the length of a 5K run. Five years of buying pregnancies tests has definitely put a dent in my wallet and my heart. I have been trying to/thinking about/hoping/wishing/dreaming of getting pregnant for five years. I have mentioned that we stopped doing ART after our third failed IVF. The bank account was dry, and we had morphed into different people through the roller coaster of emotions. With infertility it seems like if something can go wrong, it will. Whether it is over stimulation and the cancelling of a cycle, cysts, OOHS, or the BFN, I found that the amount of roadblocks is endless. Very little went smoothly for us. After the ectopic pregnancy we looked at the only positive side, that I actually got pregnant. Subsequently, the next round brought a BFN; it all became way too much.

That being said, I received some news last week that offered a small amount of hope for our chances of natural conception. When I say small I am purposely minimizing it because I am trying immensely hard to not let this news overtake my thoughts. As a woman with PCOS ovulation is my biggest hurtle (I have others). Through a blood test ordered by my RE we discovered that I am ovulating. I may skip a month or two but somehow the eggs are dropping. As many of you know when women become older who have PCOS, in order to go into menopause their body begins to kick in and ovulation occurs regularly. I was told that this begins around age 35, usually older. I am 31. You understand my skepticism.

At any rate we still have MFI and a longer than normal cyle. It is very hard to predict when I may be fertile. After all of the money I have spent on HPT, I refuse to indulge the makers of OPK. We will leave it up to dumb luck and a fighting chance. My husband plays the lottery at least once a week. I have repeatedly said, I hope we have a better chance of getting pregnant than winning the lottery. That would make me feel a little better.

The goal of pregnancy is still a part of my life because I do have a chance. However small it may be it rests in my being. The biological connection is no longer the driving force. For me it is about family building and giving Luv Bug a sibling. I want to see two smiling faces in the morning. I want Luv Bug to be a big brother because I know he would be the best. Adoption has allowed the sting of the BFN to act like a prick of the skin. Very quick and relatively painless. The BFN still leaves me with the hope that lies within. I won’t let a negative pregnancy test take that away from me because I will have another little baby whether it is through adoption or pregnancy. I have options and I am lucky for that.

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p.s. Mel and I will get the chance to meet at RESOLVE’s Night of Hope Annual Dinner in NYC where she is receiving the Hope award. I told her I would have my book in hand for an autograph.

Shortly after my husband and I decided to adopt I was in a group of acquaintances and strangers when someone congratulated me on our decision. Others proceeded to say congratulations and ask questions such as, where are you adopting from? Do you know if it is a boy or girl, etc.? I explained that we were adopting from S. Korea, and we had just begun the process. Then a person remarked,” You better take that ‘Made in Korea’ sticker off right away.” Feeling awkward I abruptly ended the conversation and left the room. I had been warned through my adoption class that people may make inappropriate and hurtful comments. But, nothing can prepare you for being in the moment, blindsided by a rude remark. The comment was not only prejudice but completely unfounded; it reminded me of something a kid would say, not a 50 year old man. Through these experiences I have come to learn that many people simply do not know how to react to the news of adoption.

When we hear of pregnancy, the reaction is easy- joy. The questions and comments are commonplace. When are you due, do you know the gender, what names have you picked out? With adoption there is a lack of understanding that the adoptive parents feel all the same emotions as expectant parents through pregnancy: anxiety, excitement, financial worries etc. In fact, many don’t regard adoptive parents as expectant parents at all. They are looked at in a different light. There is a story behind the adoption that harbors curious questions or thoughts. Adoptive parents often receive comments like,” Oh, well you’ll adopt and then get pregnant right away.” This is hurtful because it diminishes the excitement of the adoption by making it sound like it is a means to an end and not a happy and joyous way to become parents. Other remarks include,”Oh, that child is so lucky to have you. You saved their life.” Or “How much did your baby cost?”

Again, the adoptive parent is faced with negativity when trying to celebrate the milestone of their pending parenthood. As adoptive parents we are trained on how to answer insensitive questions gracefully by reminding people that we as the parents are very lucky to have our adopted child. We educate people by pointing out that the baby didn’t cost anything, however the adoption process entails paying agency fees, attorney fees, and travel fees to name a few of the costs. I have never heard anyone ask a pregnant woman how much she paid in medical bills to have her baby.

Generally adoptive parents are open to questions about their adoption because they want to share their planning for the child’s arrival and the feelings associated with bringing a child into their lives. Just as a pregnant couple speaks of the ultrasounds or the baby kicking in the womb, an adoptive parent will be excited to fill everyone in on the steps they are making towards bringing their child home.

The decision to adopt is very exciting, and can be equivalent to the announcement of a pregnancy. “The Match,” when adoptive parents find out who their child will be, is like an ultrasound. The child is visible, the concept of becoming parents becomes more real. Progress reports from the adoption agency which sometimes include photos would be comparable to the different stages of pregnancy and how the baby develops. An adoptive parents gestational period can unfortunately be much longer than nine months. Depending on what type of adoption a couples undergoes the entire process can take years. Our wait period from the time we received our referral (the match with our son) until he came home was rather short, 7 months.

The concept of having the bag packed and ready to go when the mother’s water breaks holds true for adoptive parents as well. We were given a rough estimate of when our son would come home, but we waited anxiously for “the call” from the agency saying the paperwork had cleared, and he was ready to come home. I received the call at work, and it was one of the most thrilling days of my life. My son was finally coming home after all of the waiting and planning. We had tried for 4 years to conceive a child; the ability to say our son would be in our arms in 3 short days making us parents was a huge milestone for my husband and I.

The “delivery” of our son was a lot less painful no doubt. He came over from Seoul to JFK escorted by someone hired by the agency. When he rounded the bend in his umbrella stroller, he looked exactly like his pictures. He was there in the flesh and the kisses and hugs we received melted our hearts. At 15 months he was too big to be swaddled, but he was our little bundle of joy. We were elated to feel his skin, smell his hair, and look him in the eyes.

It was so wonderful to have a baby in the house. The adjustment consisted of sleepless nights, fumbling with bottles and baby food, and changing our first poopy diapers. We were learning about him and he was learning about us. One thing we did not have to learn but felt the instant we saw his picture was love. Our hearts and minds were open to a little boy that came into our lives through circumstance and luck.

How we become parents does not matter; we are caretakers and providers to little beings who need our love and guidance. After the baby showers, and births, and adoption finalizations are all done our children grow day by day. We face the same and sometimes different challenges with our children. We will explain to our son that he is adopted and tell him the story of his birth and how we became a family. Another set of parents may have to deal with a learning disorder or health problems. The love we feel for our children has no boundaries, it is colorblind and all encompassing. A child’s existence in our lives is a miracle no matter how the family came together.

Perfect Moment Monday
Head of over to Lori’s for more Perfect Moments

Luv Bug is saying all sorts of new words and phrases. They don’t all come out perfect, but we are enjoying hearing his “voice” and thoughts grow.

AJ pointed out that one of his cars is a convertable. Luv Bug’s translation is “wegawegabull” said very fast. Try that one 10 times in a row fast.

I will take this time to post my usual Luv Bug Top 10.

1. Wegawegabull
2. He loves doing Eskimo Kisses now. He will do them with inanimate objects such as the coffee table (that is so him- loveable).
3. His dancing. Hilarious.
4. Doing well with potty training
5. He does peek-a-boo (kee-boo) at random times. Last night I told him it was time to go to bed and he shut his eyes tightly saying “kee-boo” thinking I couldn’t see him.
6. He has to have a koozie on his sippy cup
7. He calls his crocs- Fox
8. We introduced him to our friend Chuck and he said,”Hi, F*ck!”
9. He can now count to 20 and gets the concept of counting objects.
10. And as I usually say- everything he does is in my “Top Ten” List

I am a little late posting this but I wanted to reflect back on where I was a year ago. I wrote this when Luv Bug was two months late in coming home. At that point it was very hard dealing with more waiting. He was growing and everyday we were missing more milestones. We were lucky to have many updates and pictures to see his progress but eventually that became a little tortuous because he wasn’t in our arms.
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What Am I Here For Anyway?

My heart is full and heavy at the same time.I have created a new life with a new life beside me- he just isn’t here yet.Inside I am teaching the ABC’s and going for walks in the stroller.The baby food in my cupboard is collecting dust along with the plastic sea animal dishes.His clothes hang on turtle hangers in his closet and they smell like detergent.His socks lay in a drawer stark white never having had a chance to get dirty.As spring has sprung I open his window to relieve the store-like smell that fills his room. Every item in there is too new, sitting unused.There are no scuff marks or stains. Please bring me the stinky smells and the dirty clothes and the banged up walls.

His stuffed animals have begged me to be carried by their arms around the house. The rocker yearns to be in use-not to sitting in the corner all alone, listening to lullabies, it’s semi-circle legs not being exercised. Everything screams at me to be able to do their job. The Little People on the farm are bored and want to use the tractor and slide to down the slide.The blankets are sick of hanging on his crib, their fluffiness going unused. Everyone feels that their roles are not being fulfilled, including mine. The books are feeling neglected that their bright and shiny pages are not seeing the light of day.

Motherhood is laying dormant and I know how they feel. They, like me were put on this world to fulfill a job and we cannot do that without him here. His arrival will bring a carnival of life to all those people and objects that patiently wait to be hugged and played with and used so they can live up to their given expectation- to be held, loved, and used as stepping stones to build a new life.

Landscapes by Jeanette Musliner

Visit my previous this post to view more.

Watercolors from our favorite third graders at The School at Columbia University.

I got these in the mail this week and was thrilled. This is only a sampling.

They will be for sale inf the form of blank notecards on our website soon.

Visit the rest of Show and Tell

For many of the major events in my life such as my high school graduation party and college graduation day and party the weather resulted in pouring down rain. Waking up on those special days and seeing the overcast sky and smell of moisture in the air, I remember thinking, maybe it will clear up. Unfortunately we carried on with the events dodging the rain and making the most of the day.

We have quite a few get togethers. We threw an outdoor party at our new house last summer, and it rained all day. There were waves of sprinkles breaking into pouring rain and then cycling back again. It sucked. We made the most of it, but the food got ruined, everyone was wet, and the kids couldn’t play outside in our new yard.

This past weekend we went to our cottage. Friday was beautiful but Saturday and Sunday it was overcast, cold and rainy all day. When I woke up Saturday the sky was gray but it looked like the sun was going to break through. We kept saying it’ll probably clear up so we can go outside and have fun. The feeling of dread when seeing the overcast skies coupled with the glimmer of sunlight peeking through the clouds ignites the hope that the weather will clear and the sun will shine.

I have had that feeling of disappointment for many picnics, parties and weddings when waking up in the morning. For one of my best friend’s weddings it rained all day, and we could only hope it would clear for the outdoor pictures. I felt so bad for her and we kept glancing up at the sky when the rain would halt. Amazingly the weather did break for the pictures but resumed for the rest of the evening.

Going through ART my skies were pretty much always overcast. Gearing up for each procedure and during the two week wait I would try so hard to see those rays of sun pushing their way through. The power of positive thinking and all that crap. The first IUI was exciting and the weather looked pretty good. But, after that failed and the proceeding 5 others failed, my weather report was quite glum. It was around 95% chance of precipitation.

The first IVF was also exciting; we upped the odds. This was going to work. But, the entire time I sat cautiously optimistic trying to feel positive and envision the BFP. That IVF resulted in an ectopic pregnancy. Any miscarriage or terminated pregnancy is a long drawn out reminder of what you have lost. It took two months for my HCG level to get below 10. It was a long, dreary summer.

The pursuit of parenthood doesn’t halt when faced with an obstacle(sssss). If that were the case many of us infertiles would be quitting long before our minds and bodies are ready.With infertility we are basically party planning with the idea that we have no control over the weather, and we will need to rent a big tent or serve indoors. The event was scheduled for a reason and it cannot be rescheduled, so to speak. For the disappointment and loss when things fall apart is far greater than facing the idea that party will never happen at all. The party goes on rain or shine.