A New Chapter

The first blog I authored was named “The Fine Print.” Starting that journal changed my life. After AJ and I decided to adopt I wanted a place to log our journey to parenthood. Eventually the posts became a place to educate on infertility and adoption. Then I found myself pouring out entries about the prior 3 years and all the heartache.
Because “The Fine Print” found its way onto computers of those I didn’t know, I felt I had an obligation to continue telling our story- the good, bad and ugly.

The fact that I could write something and give support to another person made me feel useful. It made me feel like my struggles meant something. This all led to the development of Parenthood for Me.

Ideas evolved. The plan unfolded.

I decided to close “The Fine Print” because that chapter of my life was over. I also wanted to protect my son from the exposure of the internet. I chose to tell my story but his story is his to tell. It was hard to end my first blog but PFM was born and I had a new and exciting place to log my thoughts, experiences, and stories of others.

Two years later I find myself in the same position. I will never forget when I found Stirrup-Queens, Weebles Wobblog and countless other blogs. This community has been my saving grace. Without the support of THE blogroll and those who have read my posts, forwarded links, donated to PFM, and commented our organization would not have grown so rapidly. My admiration is in abundance for all of the men and women who have supported Parenthood for Me. My cup runneth over.

However, it is time for Parenthood for Me to stand on its own. My story is no longer what PFM needs but the stories of hundreds of people we will help. Their stories, your stories are what will make people stand up and take notice of PFM’s mission- to build families.

This blog will always be here as a forum for education, support, news, and stories. Keep us on your blog roll, remain a follower, forward our link. PFM’s blog will simply take on a new format with great things in store like guest authors, a co-author, giveaways, and all the exciting things that our charity will be able to do for people out there who need help.

I will still be around writing about my own experience with adoption, infertility, motherhood and life. Please visit my new blog- Motherhood Meets Me.

I have yet to put up the first post. But, please become a follow and put me on your blog roll. I don’t want to miss out any of your stories and I look forward to beginning this new chapter of my life with your support.

Thank you for reading. And thank you for continuing to support Parenthood for Me and following. My dream of making a difference in the lives of those who simply want to be parents or have the family they desire would have dissipated without you.

It takes a village to do a lot of things in life.

Merry Christmas. May you find peace wherever you are in life.

Erica

Oreos or Maternity Pants

When my 3 year old tells me we have to go the “the Tar.get” every time we are in the car, you know I have a problem shopping at this very appealing retail center way too much.

I have tried other stores like Marsh.alls and Wal.mart, but there just is not the same happy feeling from the brightly colored decor and many different departments where I can indulge in new underware, shoes, holiday housewares, and snacks. What an ingenious concept. I understand the rules of marketing. I am not oblivious to the reason why retailers put end-caps at the register with batteries, gum, water, and hand sanitizer– last minute purchases that we think we must have.

That being said I know that Tar.get is “targeting” women as their number one consumer. This is why the purses, scarves, and clothing are positioned in the first section of the store. After entering the double automatic doors and forging past the $1.00 section of goodies with way too much stuff I don’t need, I should go against the grain and turn right- roll by where the shampoo and greeting cards make their humble home.

It never happens.

Today I went in to buy area rugs for my back door. Two mornings in a row of stepping in freezing cold, watery puddles left by my husband’s boots in my half awake bare feet are enough for me. This should have been an easy 10 minute trip. Yeah. I don’t even lie to myself anymore.

“You’re just going to buy the rugs and get the hell out of there.”

Nope. I knew that I would do some Christmas shopping for those on my list and for the things on my own list like a cute shirt, decorations, or cookies.

Anyway, the point of my story is that I always look at the clothes when I patronize “the Tar.get.” Today was no different. I take my too-big-shopping cart for the one item I am supposed to be buying and wrestle my way through the clothing aisles. Luckily I did not see anything too appealing. Of course, I could have bought something. C’mon that ruffled pink shirt is so cute. New Years? Maybe?

I find myself in the Maternity section which happens to run right into the women’s clothing section. What? Is that a given? You’re a woman so you might need to buy maternity clothes someday? Bah.

The funny thing is that I didn’t stomp on the breaks like I usually do and jet out of there, smoke coming off the wheels of my cart. “Must get out of the prego section.”

I kept going. I even looked at the maternity pants and shirts and thought maybe I should buy something “just to keep tucked away.” I pondered this thought for maybe 3 seconds when I snapped back to reality and said to myself,” Have I lost my mind?”

It’s almost like the past 6 years of non-pregnancy torment vacated from my body like an alien invasion of the brain. E. T. are you there? ( E.T. is the most non-threatening alien I can think of.)

Here comes the nostalgia. There was a day when, being the type-A personality, big-time planner that I am, I would have bought a cute maternity shirt to keep safe for when I was expecting. Oh to be 25 again and naive. My younger self never spent one second of thought that having a baby would be such a mind altering, life changing cluster that it has been.

I say cluster in good taste. As much as IF has been the worst experience of my life, it has given me so much that I would never, ever take back. I know that this circumstance was supposed to be part of my life. That isn’t b.s. either. I really believe that.

Maybe I should have bought the cute maternity dress. Putting it away in my attic with the spring clothes might not be such a bad thing. What does it represent? Hope?

Our minds have the distinct ability to infiltrate thoughts without our conscious knowledge that inflect and project what could be. It is our psyche and personality that have the ability to deflect these instinctive thoughts and talk ourselves out of possibility.

If the snacks were the first aisle of the store, I probably would have bought a package of Oreo’s, found my rugs, and left the store without having a moment where, for one instant, I saw my future pregnant self shopping as I always do but this time for two.

Welcome and Perfect Moment Moday

Please read about my perfect moments. And for more perfect moments visit

There are some exciting times at PFM. Read about our first grantee success story

Yesterday was a special day for PFM board member, Jerry Furciniti. Jerry and his wife Laura are adoptive parents to a boy from S. Korea. The family was invited by Kevin Boss, a NY Giants tight end to attend a game and go out to dinner afterwards. This is the third year Kevin Boss has hosted the giving thanks contest. Read more about the contest here. Below is the email that Jerry sent to Kevin regarding what he is thankful for.

Kevin,

Thanks so much for hosting this again this year. You’ve done a lot for your fans, and we appreciate it!

I’m 34 (as of today), and over the past few years, my wife and I have had a remarkable journey. We have struggled with infertility for years. Infertility is an incredibly isolating and painful struggle. As we progressed through our treatments, we found strength and solace in two places- our faith and the amazing people that we have met along the way. Every story is heartbreaking, but the resolve is very inspirational. The struggle to start a family really shakes you to the core- it’s one of the most basic elements of life.

We are now proud adoptive parents of a little boy from South Korea named Evan. Words cannot adequately describe how lucky we are to have him in our lives. When we made the decision to adopt, we felt the tremendous weight lift from our shoulders. I just regret that we waited so long to start the process. Just hear his little footsteps as he runs around the house giggling as I chase him to get the football back, or to hear him say “love you dada” quite literally melts my heart. We were recently matched with our second son, and are now awaiting his arrival into our home; he’s already in our hearts.

I’m thankful that I now have the opportunity to pay our good fortune forward to other couples that are in the same predicament where we were just 18 months ago. I recently started working with a non-profit that provides emotional and financial support to couples working to build their families. I firmly believe that a loving home should be the main prerequisite to start a family, not the tens of thousands of dollars for fertility treatments or adoption. I’m hoping that our story will help others find their resolve and realize that they are not alone.

This summer we handed our our first round of grants to four couples around the country. I just saw the first set of baby pictures last week! What an amazing experience!

Thank you for letting me share my story. Keep up the good work!

———————————————————————–
The game was yesterday. We are thinking of Jerry and his family and cannot wait to hear all the details. To read an interview given by Kevin Boss about the contest and Jerry check out Inside Football.
Oh, and please follow this blog. We need all the support we can get!

In Mind, Out Of Sight

A dream is a smile, a grin from ear to ear.
Invoking happiness, hope, and a sense of meaning.
A dream holds ideas.
For what are we?
Who are we?
Without our dreams.

I often wonder how much infertility has changed me. I know it has brought me to the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. When I think about what my life would be like if having a child had been effortless, I’m content in knowing that my path to motherhood has given me more than I could have imagined six years ago.

One of the most difficult things about a life-changing situation is being forced to reimagine your future. Once I realized that the family I had always envisioned would probably take on a new form, I grappled with what my children would look like, be like, and how many, if any I would have.

I did try to imagine a life without a child. There was a point where I considered this option because we had been through too much pain. Strength and determination to continue trying to conceive were diluted by exhaustion and grief. How many disappointments can one endure? The pregnancy announcement to my parents, the choosing of names, the baby shower, the number of children I longed to have all became fragments of dream I was losing. I began to reimagine my role as a mother to just one child. If only I could be lucky enough to have one baby, then I would be grateful.

After the last failed in vitro procedure, the hope of a pregnancy was gone; we finally conceded to our reality. Biological children would not be possible. I would never get pregnant.

Even though I had been exploring adoption for two years it was at this point that I finally began imagining my life as an adoptive mother. I was happy with this thought. To love a child and take care of them was most important.

Becoming a parent through adoption has been amazing. I have no idea what I would do if my son were not in our lives. Who would I be? He has changed me for the better and enriched my life in such beautiful ways. I am deeply in love with every embrace, giggle, funny comment, and tidbit that make him who he is.

As my son grows older the desire to give him a sibling surmounts. But how will we do it? Unfortunately financing stands in our way. Like most we already spent thousands upon thousands of dollars to become parents. The thought of finding more money that could pay off debt, send our son to college, or go in a retirement fund is perplexing. But I have always said that we can find a way. I never want money to be the reason that we did not fulfill our vision of family.

There is a bit of irony, however that at this point I find that we have several options for family-building. At one point I did not think we had any options at all. Now with the passing of time and the resolution of grief I feel that we have choices for possibly having a second child. Going back to a fertility specialist is an option we have not ruled out. Starting fresh with the diagnoses we worked over two years to discover and a new mind set may just lead us to a successful pregnancy. We are also thinking of a domestic adoption rather than international.

The amazing part is that life is full, and the extreme sense of urgency to have a child that comes with infertility has dissipated. I have let go of the fact that I am older than I would have liked to be when having children. My son will be at least 5 years older than his future sibling. Ultimately I always wanted 3 children, and even though that dream will most likely never happen due to circumstances, the picture in my mind of 3 cute faces staring at me in the rear view mirror just will not fade away.

For those of you reading who struggle daily to reimagine your life as a parent I hope you find some comfort in my words. Reimagining may be difficult but can offer great rewards. Speaking about life in general we all had plans. Looking back as someone in my early thirties I see that the plans that fell through are what have created the most memorable and wonderful parts of my life. This is something I remind myself of whenever I am caught off guard with the emotions of infertility. My journey is not over, and reimagining life keeps the possibilities coming.
*Please leave a comment if you can relate to this post. I always love to hear what readers have to say. Thank you.

Happy ICLW- November

Welcome to Parenthood for Me. This blog is part of the national non-profit founded in 2008. Our mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those building families through adoption or medical intervention.

Please read the post below to hear about our first baby!

Take a look around. Read PFM Best Posts on the right side bar.

If you are not already a follower please become one! We need help spreading the word of our mission.
Also find us on Facebook- Parenthood for Me.org and twitter.

Also, now that the holiday season is almost here please take a minute to visit Good Search.
Click here for the link. Or check out the top left side bar for search information. Just by shopping on-line (spending money you already intended on spending) you can make a donation to Parenthood for Me.
Look for the section where you can download the toolbar.


GoodSearch: You Search...We Give!

And on a side note:

Yea, you read that right. “Expectant Mother Parking” at my grocery store.

I get the need for this. In fact, it must be kind of nice for tired, expectant moms (through pregnancy). But do you blame me for wanting to ram into this sign some days?

*update: I was notified this morning that my blog made it to the top 50 blogs on this site. Check out the other great blogs.

PFM’s First Baby

Last week we received an update from one of the four families who received a grant in July.
Our Chairman, Chuck gave them a call to see how things were going, and the family was elated that their son was home from China. They said that our grant ($3000) allowed them to proceed with the adoption. They had been trying to get the last bit of money together to move forward with bringing their son home.

Here is a message from the family:


“I could say that our story is the same as hundred of other couples that wish to become a family. We also had infertility “issues” but did not let that stop us from becoming a family.
And thanks to organizations like yours, we did and could not be happier. The day we met our son was the most incredible day of our lives, just to be able to hold him, touch him, and even smell him was something that words can not describe. Till to this day when we look at him we just can’t believe its true, and we are waiting to wake up from a dream. But we know It’s all true and real and beautiful!
Our son is 19 months old and his name is *Len from Changzhou City in the Jaingsu Provence and he was born with a bilateral cleft lip and palate, he was sponsored by Half the Sky Foundation, Nanny program who repaired his lip and cared for him.

We are truly grateful to Parenthood for Me for helping us bring Len home. Now we can call ourselves a FAMILY! If you wish anymore information on our adoption please let us know we will share our whole story with you or anyone that will listen, in hopes to inspire all those to come that it is truly worth the wait.

Thank you again and again.”

I was able to see several pictures of Len and it is heart warming to see him thriving in his new home.

Thank you to all who have helped make this possible. Bowling for Babies is November 14. And we are planning for our second annual Family-Building Dinner and Silent Auction to take place in early April 2011. We have huge goals for our signature fundraiser so that we can offer larger grants and perhaps more in 2011. I look forward to continued success and assisting families in their family-building dreams.

Thank you to Plaid House Designs for making our new button for the dinner.

*name changed for privacy.

In Hopes of Looking Forward

There is a maple tree outside my window that is the most glorious shade of red. In the sunlight the hues are absolutely stunning. I find myself staring at this tree wondering about its beauty. I guess I am trying to focus on things that offer hope with no effort involved. Life seems to be a constant battle of weighing difficult situations that offer pain and discomfort with those moments to be captured that make everything seem worthwhile.

What constitutes having led a difficult life? Does everyone feel that their life has been difficult? Being faced with hardship is a part of life and it shapes who we are. But why does there have to be so much loss in life?

Is it to cherish all that we gain? And all that we hold sacred? I know that many have a difficult time seeing the good in the bad. Take a bad situation and see the positive. Well, sometimes I find that very challenging. And, quite frankly I don’t feel like it.

At 32 I find myself constantly looking backwards. There are many things that I have internalized in my lifetime that make me sad. Sometimes I wish this blog were anonymous so that I could pour out every strenuous thought and scenario in my lifetime, but there are many things that I must keep to myself. This blog is just one portion of who I am, and I am happy to share many things about myself, but there is so much more.

Recently I experienced the death of a loved one. She was only 61 years old. When I say she was an absolutely beautiful person, I am not doing her justice. Everyone loved her. She had an infectious laugh and aura. She died way too young, and her absence has left a hole in many people’s hearts. The thought of never hearing her call my name and embrace me infects my spirit.
Losing her has made me want to live in the moment more. To find the happiness I have been seeking for many years. Losing her has made me look forward and compelled me to find a way to find peace.

The odd thing is that I do often stop to smell the roses. I have made a point to be conscious of special moments and times when things are good. I laugh a lot. I find humor in many things and like to make others laugh. I laugh at myself and have forgiven myself for not being perfect. Embracing my imperfections has released me in many ways. When I was younger, I spent way too much energy worrying about those attributes that seemed to be negative.

So what is my problem? If I can find the good in things, stay relatively positive, and relish the little things in life, then why do I still dwell on the difficult? Maybe remembering the difficult times are what keep us in check. Life is hard and it always will be. Life is not fair. But I don’t want to make excuses for that my standing by and letting the hardships defeat me. I will gain nothing with that stance.

I have experienced a lot of loss in my life, and I am not talking about the loss of people. I have lost precious time. I sound vague, but I do not want to get into the details of what that loss entails. I just know that getting older has made me feel desperate to not lose anymore. I’m probably not alone in this sentiment.

In general it is tough to be optimistic these days. Our fellow Americans, friends, neighbors, co-workers are suffering from poverty, job loss, lack of health care, and many other crisis’. It’s hard to know what to do with all this negative news. I am fortunate because the down economy has not really touched my life. We have battened down the hatches on needless spending and focus on how lucky we are that we both have jobs, but I am fully aware that we too may feel the epidemic of crisis much closer to home- at any time.

I have had this innate desire to purge my life. Even though I live a very middle class life, I still feel like I could simplify things a lot more. Possessions do not matter. Do I cherish my Nana’s wedding china sitting in my cabinet? Yes. But the PB chair I am sitting on right now could be sold on e.bay and it wouldn’t matter. I want to have a nice home for my family and my child, but I also want my son to be more aware of the love he feels every day. Love and comfort and feeling safe are the greatest gifts I can give him in this lifetime. I hope I can do a good job of relaying that to him.

A good post is one with focus. This is a post littered with random ideas that have been floating around in my head. The words have not been coming to me easily lately. Many of you who read this blog have probably noticed the lack of writing. I feel like my brain is so full of tough thoughts that whenever I get an idea to write something, it only comes out in broken lines and sentences with dangling participles. I write and delete, write and delete. But sleep wouldn’t come tonight. Swirling thoughts made me toss and turn. So here I am trying to alleviate my mind at least somewhat.

I will return to my down comforter and pillow and attempt to close my eyes and shut down my mind. My mother always says that things feel worse at night. Eventually the sun will shine in a few hours, and I will hear the inevitable morning call of my son, “Mommy.”

I look forward to this every day.

I will get in my car and turn to look at the glorious red maple whose leaves will only remain for a few more days until they scatter across my lawn. I will drive past our lake with its whipping white caps and turn my thoughts to being grateful.

Oddly enough this song was playing on my computer when I got the called that D. passed. She would like this song.
Push Stars- “Keg On My Coffin”

Artwork For Building Families- Giveaway

We had a successful 1st annual Artwork for Building Families Art Show. There were so many generous donations from artists all over the country. It is always so wonderful and humbling receive support for PFM’s endeavors.

I am offering 3 matted pieces as a giveaway. I am hoping that you will help me spread the word of this blog and PFM. We need all the support we can get as we enter into our major fundraising stage for 2011. I receive emails all the time asking when we will be accepting grant applications. We anticipate that the grant apps will be posted in January of 2011 and awarding our second round of grants in July 2011. We cannot continue to help people without financial support and those of you who can pass the word of our non-profit’s mission.

Artist- Lena, 8 years old. The palm reads “adoption”

Artist Jeanette Musliner- “Tulips”

Artist Jess Klem – Black and white tulip

To enter here are the rules:

1) Leave a comment that you are entering

2) Post the giveaway on your blog, facebook, or twitter, etc. (or all mediums)

3) Giveaway open until October 31

The winner will be chosen randomly.

And now here are some photos from the show:



You Will Have A Good Life

Jammies are on. Puppies are lined up along the wall next to the bed. I pull the covers up to his chin. I lay next to him, and we talk about everything we did that day.

He smiles from ear to ear thinking about going to the playground, eating pizza with his cousins, playing trucks, and riding on his uncle’s shoulders.

“I went to Abigail’s, Mom.” He smiles.

I look at him in awe and remember how Cecelia, the owner of the adoption agency, spoke with him on the phone the day after he came home.

She crooned in Korean,” You are home now. You will live a long and happy life.”

Her determined words absent of doubt make me feel special. But my obligation to this beautiful child is huge.

I will make sure he lives a good life.

Better than good.

We will smile and laugh and give pizza kisses. I write down quotes from his 3 year old ramblings. I record my thoughts and love here in this journal.

I never thought I would look at Min man every day and remember what a gift he is.

I am his mother.

He is my son.

Forever.