*image from The Grieving Dads Project 

So this post should have gone out roughly six days ago. Alas, here it is.

Last Friday I was lucky enough to be invited to partake in a segment entitled, “The Pain of Miscarriage” on Huff Post Live.

 I was joined by 3 other panelists, Abby Lagunoff, a miscarriage healer in Los Angeles, Marybeth Lowell, mother of one in Seattle,and Kelly Farley, a bereaved father, recovery coach and the author of ‘Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back.’

Notably the highlight of the segment was Kelly Farley author and creator of the Grieving Dads Project.

It was refreshing to hear the opinion of a man regarding the topic of miscarriage and still birth. While the segment was not on infertility specifically, he did mention that he and his wife struggled through infertility as well.

Farley stated, “I went into a pretty heavy tailspin, into despair and grief. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t seek help. Eventually I gave in and sought some help.”

Farley recommended that men dealing with pregnancy loss must give themselves space to cope.

“It’s not weak to cry,” he said. “And it’s okay to show emotion. It’s okay to talk about it.”

There were many tweets that came in during the 20 minute segment from men.  I am happy to pass along the Grieving Dads Project information to share with the men in your life. Kelly has created an excellent and much needed resource.

In the near future look forward to a guest post from Kelly Farley.

Here is a past post from giving the male perspective of infertility- Factor In

 I am linking up with Keiko from the Infertility Voice and Pamela from Silent Sorority to participate in their Open Salon, “To Mom or Not to Mom.” They created this to discuss both sides of the motherhood debate from their unique perspectives. Why? To parse out the concerns and vulnerabilities of transition within the ALI (adoption/loss/infertility) community without tripping over political correctness and delicate sensibilities.

Head over to each of their blogs to read some very interesting points of view. 

Below is my contribution to the project.

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I sit here staring at my computer screen because I don’t know exactly what to write. I have on pajamas and a thick pair of socks I took from my dad the last time we were at our cottage. It’s just after 9PM and I am exhausted. Each day is so full. Raising two young boys sucks the life out of me. I really don’t feel like I can ever fit it all in. And there are days when I look around at my house and feel like it oozes filth.

But tonight the vacuuming will have to wait. The clothes will remain in the laundry basket. I need to formulate this post; I have been waiting a long time.

I look down at my belly and it is protruding all of a sudden. I am 17 weeks pregnant and still cannot believe that this is really happening to me- to us. I have known about the pregnancy for 13 weeks, and it is just beginning to seem real. I can finally say the words and not feel like I am speaking of someone else. But often it still feels like an outer-body experience. I have accepted that this is my truth, but my fragile heart and mind teeter on the edge of disbelief.

After 8 1/2 years of battling infertility, I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I will never forget that morning. I called AJ right away and through massive sobs told him the news. I was in my office at work; no one else was there. I called my RE’s office and basically shouted in the phone, I’m pregnant!
The secretary put my doctor on the phone. When I heard his kind voice with an accent proclaim, “Oh, Erica, this is such wonderful news,” I realized that was just one of some many things I waited over 8 years to experience. Even though I love my second RE (who was my doctor for the majority of my TTC journey), I was never able to experience anything good at their practice. It was all sad and complicated and extremely difficult.

Yesterday at a routine doctor visit, I heard the baby’s heart beat for the first time in a month. Immediately after the Doppler touched my abdomen, there it was- strong and loud. Such a pure sound. I haven’t cried much since the first week of finding out. But when I hear that sound or see baby on the ultrasound screen, I tear up. S/he’s in there growing and thriving. The heart beat is strong. I can already tell s/he is a fighter. Almost like he knows what mommy and daddy have been through.

My OB (having an OB is a triumph in and of itself) said to me,” That must be such a great sound after all you have been through.”

He has no idea.

We waited until the end of the first trimester to tell people besides our immediate family. And I have waited until this point to write about my pregnancy for several different reasons. I understand completely that my news may be painful for others. I know all too well the bitter sweet tug at the heart upon hearing pregnancy announcements. And the ironic part for me over the past few years is that the pregnancies of women who didn’t ever think they would get pregnant were harder for me to deal with. I just kept thinking if a miracle happened for them, why not me? I just could not let go my vision of a pregnancy. For some reason even after Wee came home and we were all so happy, I did not feel like I was done yet. I knew I wouldn’t adopt again, but I strongly felt that I would have another child. I just didn’t know how.

I haven’t been able to write about my pregnancy because I didn’t know what to say. We are extremely grateful for this opportunity, but I never imagined I would feel such a vast array of emotions. I spent so much time thinking about getting pregnant, I never had the chance to learn about or understand the actual pregnancy.

One of my first mental challenges was a looming question. Where do I fit in now? I won’t be just an adoptive mom because I will have a biological child. I have the awesome opportunity to be an adoptive mother which sets me apart from those who are not adoptive parents. And no matter what the circumstances I will never have the innocence of most during their first pregnancy.  I am pregnant and will get to experience everything that goes with it, but that is where the similarities end. 

I felt somewhat lost and hoped that my place in this community was still in tact. I realize my story may end up differently than I ever imagined, but there will always be one thing that links me to everyone who has experienced infertility. I know and appreciate the toll that infertility can take on a human being. Despite my end result, I will always be infertile. I will never forget having to ask myself what I will do with my life if motherhood isn’t part of it. Infertility does not define me, but it is part me forever like my green eyes and silly sense of humor.

 I feel the weight of my 8 1/2 years of IF. But I am trying very hard to live in the moment. No matter what this is my only pregnancy to cherish.Slowly I have come to understand that my realization of a dream can offer hope to others. I have so much perspective to share. And those of you who have been reading my blog for a long time know that I am honest about my feelings. The realities of infertility are too hard to ignore. Over the past few months I have thought of several different posts to write- lessons I am learning now that I am on the “other side.” I am working toward gaining even more compassion and will take this chance I have been given to continue working to help others become parents.
In the past few days my stomach has “popped” as they say. Walking by a mirror or window and catching a glimpse of my protruding belly will never occur without a double take. I have to show my brain that my eyes are not playing tricks on me.

Not too long ago I wrote a post about my slim chance of conceiving. I had a Crescent Moon Size Chance of getting pregnant naturally. And I as I wrote then, I guess that was all I needed. Maybe it is all you need as well.

In the spring I went to the PFM PO Box as I routinely do. I wasn’t expecting much to be there as we had just finished up the 2012 gala. I spotted a blue envelope and eagerly opened the card.

As I read the words tears spilled down my cheeks. One of our medical grantees from 2011 had recently given birth to a baby boy. This was the first success (as far as I know) that we celebrated from a grantee who had undergone an ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) procedure.

We have helped a total of 7 couples with ART medical expenses so far (since 2010). With the difficult odds that IF sufferers face when doing IUI or IVF, I know that our grant money helps give people a chance at conception. But it is never a sure thing. These are the people that we have tried to touch base with after receiving the grant. But until now we had never heard back from anyone. This doesn’t mean that no one has been successful; but we are left to wonder if they found their way out of IF or are still hoping for their own miracle.

I have been given permission to share with you the testimonial written by Dan and Marybeth about the pregnancy, birth, and young life of their son, Faolan.

Seeing his little face reinforces within me why I chose to devote such a large part of my life to helping those suffering through infertility. It helps me to understand my own difficult journey to parenthood.

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This is a beautifully written series by Jessica at Too Many Fish to Fry.

All four segments offer insight into different stages of infertility. They are all extremely touching. This is a wonderful way to try and help people understand the vast devastation and loss felt by those in the ALI community.

Part 1: The Devastation of Pregnancy Loss: A Profile of Courtney Cheng

Part 2: Sarah in Three Acts

Part 3: The Memory Keeper: Childless/Childfree After Loss and Infertility

Part 4: The Den Mother: Parenting After Infertility

Our board of directors convened last week and chose the six applicants who will receive a grant this year. As always the selection process was very difficult. There were nearly 100 applications, and everyone has a difficult and sad story to tell. We wish that every applicant could receive some financial relief.

The 6 grantees have been notified by phone. All others will be receiving a letter in the mail shortly. We thank everyone who applied for their very thorough application. We understand that it takes a lot of time to put together the application.

We are proud to announce that we are giving away a total of $24,000. This is double the amount we were able to give away just two short years ago. We also increased the number of grants from 4 to 6. There are 3 adoption grants and 3 medical grants.

We have already been informed that one of our adoption grantees has brought their baby girl home. And we wait for other great news and updates from previous applicants and this year’s grantees.

PFM is dedicated to helping people achieve their goals of family and parenthood. It is extremely difficult to turn people away especially when the number of applicants grows every year. Those of us on the board and our supporters continue to work hard to gain awareness and plan events to raise funds. We are an all-volunteer organization made up of people who greatly believe in the mission statement.

There is so much more we hope to accomplish. We have many things planned for the future such as educational and support seminars and gaining new partnerships with those in the fields of adoption and fertility. Little by little we are making things happen.

I went to the post office Saturday to buy some stamps and happened to check our mailbox. I could not believe it when I opened a blue envelope revealing a birth announcement. One of our medical grantees gave birth to a baby boy this past March. I cried right then in there in the middle of the post office.

The thank-you note was so sweet. “…you helped make his life possible…”

I am humbled. I am grateful. I am renewed.

Thank you to all of our supporters.

Our next grant cycle opens in January 2013. If you are interested in learning more about our grants visit our website:
www.parenthoodforme.org

If you are interested in learning how you can help Parenthood for Me, email us :
info@parenthoodforme.org

Well, it’s done. We have two children and we are a family of four with our dog, Lucy and bird, Gus. The checks have all been written for our latest adoption except for a couple thousand more dollars for the attorney fee and other immigration fees.

We are extremely happy to have Wee home. Big brother, Min is doing great and makes the baby laugh all the time. We are all settled in living life, enjoying each other.

It took 8 years to become the family of 4 we had hoped to be. Eight years have gone by since we first starting trying to conceive. And I am exhausted. Reoccurring thoughts of a potential pregnancy still fade in and out and may be worth writing about at another time, but right now I am resting my soul. It has been a long 8 years.

Even though most of the adoption paperwork has been processed and we hope to have Wee officially adopted by the fall, we are left with the financial ramifications of a second $25,000 adoption. To date we will have spent roughly $75,000 to be a family of four.

Craziness.

And we would be no where without help from family. While we paid for the majority of everything ourselves, the help we received allowed us to continue on in our journey to the family we had hoped for. And it was our choice to do a second adoption and incur the debt. It was our choice to set aside our dreams of remodeling our kitchen, going on vacations, and postponing ventures for a later date to have another child. But it doesn’t mean that this choice isn’t difficult sometimes.

In the grand scheme of things we are just fine financially, way better off than so many in our country. And this is by no means a complaint post. What I am trying to convey is the financial burden of infertility (which may lead to adoption) that so many face and carries on long after a child comes. In fact, our lack of conceivability may have altered our children’s choices for colleges if they don’t get big scholarships. And if another major crisis were to occur in our family, we would be in a very difficult spot.

I want people to understand that finances is a huge part of the crisis of infertility. And it’s effect can be a huge sacrifice on dreams and future plans just like infertility itself. If a couple decides to do many costly ART procedures without a successful pregnancy, will they be able to move on to adoption?

Or if a couple decides to stop medical intervention and makes the choice to live child-free, how badly have the procedures affected their financial state? On top of a broken heart people are faced with debt. And what is there to show for it?

That’s how we felt after the $25,000 we spent out of pocket on IVF with only one terrible ectopic pregnancy.

For us the money we spent on IVF was all worth it because it was part of our journey to adoption. We found our path and along came our two beautiful boys. But it has changed our financial situation along with many other expectations of being (ahem) near mid-thirties. I know we will rebound from our  tight budget. We had that plan in place when we decided to adopt again. We wanted to provide a sibling for Min but it had to be done the right way for us. Luckily we had the capability to adopt two times.

I am so glad that Parenthood for Me is able to provide some financial relief for people. I know it is providing hope. The grant review committee is now reviewing applications and the winners will be announced in early July. Unfortunately there will be many disappointed applicants. But I hope that we continue to grow and receive more donations in order to help more and more people every year.

The one thing people should not have to lay awake at night thinking about is how to afford parenthood.